The Theory of 5 Influences
Whether a man defines himself as gay, bisexual or bi-curious society tends to label him as homosexual. This polarised view of sexuality is increasingly being challenged, and now many experts recognize that to define a person’s sexuality in such a binary manner is wrong. Still, the favored explanations put forward to explain why a man maybe sexually attracted to another man is that it is either a choice he has made, or it is genetically per-determined.
In his Theory of 5 Influences, Sex Mentor Colin Richards challenges that perception. Informed by his 12 years experience of working with thousands of men who have expressed a broader sexuality plus his subsequent research with two independent surveys Colin presents his arguments and his findings to support his Theory of 5 Influences.
If ever you have questioned your subconscious sexual desires or recognize that you do have some attraction to same sex intimacy but do not self-identify as being homosexual then The Theory of 5 Influences will enable you to look at your feelings in a different light. The Theory of 5 Influences supports the idea that a persons sexuality is unique and that it is a combination of factors that includes genetics, environment, psychology, and natural life process that is in a perpetual state of change through a persons life.
The five dynamics that combine to create your unique sexuality.
For 12 years I have worked as a professional masseur and sex mentor, and during that time I have given appointments to men and women of all ages, sexualities and cultural backgrounds for both sensual massage and sexual performance mentoring. As well as general sexual performance advice I also give support to many men and women who feel or desire to explore their sexuality. I estimate of the 5000 male clients and 1000 female clients I have seen, 65% tell me that although they present themselves publicly as heterosexual, they privately recognise they have a desire to experience sensual or sexual intimacy with another person of the same sex. Many come to appreciate even welcome their poly sexuality, but for some, it can prove a challenging time and so to lessen the confusion and ease their minds and so they can live life contented with whom they really are, I take the time to explain why I believe they feel the way they do. The Theory of 5 Influences is my understanding of how a person’s sexual attraction is made up.
Why I focus on male sexuality
In this article, I focus on male same-sex attraction rather female same-sex attraction. The theory applies to both genders but for ease of explanation I have chosen to focus on male sexuality. I have worked with more men than women since even in the more enlightened societies of the West if a man is seen to have intimate or sexual contact with another man he is immediately labeled as being gay, whereas a woman has more freedom to explore her sexuality without being labeled as a lesbian.
I believe that the desire for a man to experience male to male sex is mostly an unconscious desire to bond and emotionally connect with another man and not just for the sexual pleasure. To prove this I set up two surveys asking various questions to establish this broader desire
I began an initial sexuality survey in 2006 on the Massage33 web site. When clients registered to access more detailed information on treatments they were asked to complete a registration form in which they were asked to define their sexuality. However, rather than just the one question they were asked to state both their publicly acknowledged sexuality (the sexuality they openly admit to) and their privately acknowledged sexuality (the sexuality they feel they really are but can’t be public about). The surprising results of this prompted me to set up a more comprehensive survey asking more defined questions about the relationship with primary carers, what was important to them in the sexual experience, profession, and personal traits and characteristics. This second survey began in 2012 and is still running. The graphs shown below are from the data collected up to January 2016.
If you would like to add to take the survey and add your data to the survey please click on the link below
1. When asked to state their publicly presented sexuality
(what they tell family & friends)
Total Surveyed 335
60% Straight – 204
35% Gay – 117
3% Bi Sexual – 11
1% Bi Curious – 3
2. When asked to state their privately acknowledged sexuality
(what they actually feel about themselves)
Total surveyed 335
13% Straight – 44
49% Gay – 167
20% Bisexual – 68
16% Bi Curious – 56
a) Breakdown of change of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight compared to their actual privately acknowledged sexuality
Remained Straight – 40
Straight to Gay – 57
Straight to Bi Sexual – 67
Straight to Bi Curious – 56
b) Withholding true sexuality
This statistic shows that of 204 men surveyed who identify publicly as Straight 180 (88%) were withholding their true sexuality.
c) Men in female relationships
Of 112 men who declared that they had been or currently were married or partnered or seeing women sexually as single men, 82 (73%) are withholding their true sexuality from their female partners.
3. Survey on attitude to experiencing male to male sensual touch
Of the 44 men who defined themselves as straight both publicly and privately, 26 say that they have received sensual touch from another man at least once and have enjoyed it and would receive again.
(colin’s comment – this indicates that a man can regard himself as totally straight but still have an attraction to share intimate arousal with another man without it challenging his identity. If these men were added to the above statistics for Bi Curious ie taking the statistic from 56 to 80 and then reducing the Straight statistic by 24 to 16, the result shows that of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight only 7% are truly not interested in any sensual interaction with other men. Furthermore, there are 6 men, who have declared their total straightness but have indicated that although they have never experienced sensual touch with another man before they are interested to try it sometime in the future)
a) Of the 335 men surveyed about their desires for sensual touch with another man
27% Enjoy it occasionally – 89
62% Enjoy it often -211
8% Want to try it – 26
3% Do not want to try it at all – 9
4. Aspects of male to male sexual behavior
The survey also asked questions about what men felt was important to them when having a sensual or sexual interaction with another man.
a) Importance or erotic intimacy
63% Very Important – 214
23% Important – 79
6 % Moderately Important – 20
1% Little Importance – 5
6% Unimportant – 17
Interestingly of the 22 who answered Unimportant or Little Importance 15 were the men who defined as Straight both publicly and privately.
b) Importance of anal sex
The Theory of 5 Influences
This theory advances the premise that a person’s attraction to another person, whether male or female, is not fixed at birth but is dependent on five primary influences that can sway attraction from opposite sex to same sex or a combination of both. The theory of 5 influences also advances the hypothesis that attraction is a combination of sexual, psychological, and emotional, so it is quite possible for a person to be both heterosexual and homo-emotional at the same time.
Whilst there is clear scientific evidence that our genetics do play a part in a persons orientation in the same way that a particular personality trait or talent can be passed through the genes, it is what happens to us during birth and the following unfolding years right up to mid life that continually influences our sexual, sensual and emotional attractions to others.
Influence 1- Genetic pre disposition and pre-birth environmental
Foetal brain development during pregnancy and the effect of a stressed/non-stressed pregnancy on the long-term characteristics of the male.
This first influence is based on the character attributes determined by being born from a stressed or unstressed pregnancy. It puts forward the theory that those children born from an unstressed pregnancy are more likely, but not necessarily, to become adults who develop either bisexual or homosexual attractions later in life.
Conversely, children born from stressed pregnancies are more likely but not necessarily to be adults who are more heterosexually focussed later in life. The tendency is for a first born child, being the mothers first pregnancy display these more heterosexual traits. However, this influence should be seen as a starting point on a moving spectrum that is effected by any or all of the following four other influences.
Men from stressed pregnancies
A recent study at Imperial College London shows that stress experienced by a woman during pregnancy may affect her unborn baby as early as 17 weeks after conception, with potentially permanent effects on brain and development. The 5 influences theory puts forward the idea that the more stressed the pregnancy, the more likely the child would be born with self-survival instincts. Nature’s method of ensuring the survival of the species in times of danger.
These characteristics are:
- a competitive nature
- less sense lack of empathy towards others
- a tendency to be aggressive/defensive
- controlling personality
- strongly heterosexual.
These are all attributes that would be beneficial for survival particularly in life-threatening times. If food was scarce or her security and safety threatened the pregnant mother would be in a sate of anxiety and the developing child she is carrying would be programmed with characteristics that equipped it with a better chance of survival. I call this the SIM effect (Self-Interested Male)
This SIM male will be naturally competitive with a tendency to fight for its own survival. Being self-centered/introvert he will be focussed on his own needs. Having a lack of empathy towards others ensures he puts himself first and is not reliant on others to support him. His tendency towards aggressive or defensive behavior and to be hyper aware and vigilant against threats and able to respond quickly and confidently, ensures he can defend or protect himself. Being non-intimate removes the need to develop close relationships and so he can continually seek new sexual partners. The more sex he has the more chance of ensuring his genetic line. He will have a controlling personality since by controlling his environment he maintains his own security and safety. Being assertively heterosexual he is continually seeking out opportunities to procreate with females again to secure his genes and maintain the species in times of threat.
The more stressed the pregnancy the stronger these characteristics appear to be and it seems that in modern times these types of men will havea tendency to follow specific careers as Barristers, Salespeople, Competitive Sportsmen, Politicians, the Military, Surgeons, Bankers, Entrepreneurs, Celebrity types. Not surprisingly these are often the men that we hear about in the press who use sex workers and it is their wives who often complain that their SIM husbands are egotistical, unfaithful and when it come to sex are assertive but lacking in foreplay skills and are more focussed their own pleasure than their female partners.
Men from a less stressed pregnancy
A child born from a pregnancy that is less stressed appears to develop characteristics of a completely different nature. These characteristics appear designed to be inclusive of others rather than exclusive. Typically these characteristics are:-
- good communicators
- other people focussed/extrovert,
- bisexual or polysexual
- have a need of physical intimacy
- Attributes that are designed to bond with others and help build relationships and community
I call these types SOM’s (Social Open Males)
In early man when food was plenty and life secure that was the time for building and expanding the community. Less focus on the species survival but more on species growth. This meant the SIM males although still necessary the community also needed SOM males who more could be creative with food collection, supportive of the group they belonged to, be able to work as a team with other males to support the group. To communicate and be good organisers and to have a caring nature to maintain group harmony.
Careers these types of men tend to follow today are as Accountants, Solicitors, Small Business Owners, Hospitality, Therapists, Teachers, Nurses, Theatre Actors, Academics, Consultants, IT Developers, Designers. The Som personality types have skills that are about developing and supporting the broader community.
Of course male biology is not polarized and all males will have their own unique biology at birth, according to the foetal development in relations to the mother’s disposition and biological chemistry during pregnancy, meaning that these innate characteristics should be seen as being on a spectrum placing every male anywhere from being a total SIM to a SOM or somewhere in between as most of us are.
Of the 380 men surveyed and asked about the state of their mothers well being during her pregnancy with them 57% said that they were either quite or very calm.
72 – A little stressed (19%)
28 – don’t know( 7.5%)
113 – quite calm (30.5%)
50 – somewhat stressed (13.5%)
13 – very stressed (3.5%)
101 – very calm (27%)
Of those 216 that said quite or very calm 179 ( 82%) were men who later in life defined themselves privately as gay, bi sexual or bicurious supporting the fact that a calm pregnancy may psychological program the child to have more empathetic , creative and community focussed characteristics.
Influence 2 – Cultural
Our circumstances at birth to 10 yrs
We don’t get a choice about where on the planet we are born, who our biological parents are or what culture or belief system we are educated by. From the moment we are born, maybe even before, we are bombarded by unconscious messages from parents, siblings, teachers, friends and strangers on how we should behave so that we are accepted by the community we are born into and survive the challenging time of childhood.
No matter if a male child is born with the self-focussed characteristics of the SIM or empatheitic nature of the SOM the moment the child is born his reptilian brain will react to the messages being given to him as to how best to behave to be sure to maintain food, shelter, and sustenance.
If the child is born a natural SOM but grows up in an ultra conservative closed minded society of strict morality around sex and is given clearly defined gender type roles of how a male should behave then his SOM characteristics will become suppressed. For example, a male child who by the age of 6 is showing a natural talent for dance, theater or art may be forced to deny theses talents because the culture he is born into dictates that he should play football, climb trees, learn to fight. Equally a SIM might be born into a very liberal society and find that his flamboyant artistic hippy parents live by a code that does not fit with his competitive less empathetic character.
Think of the fictional characters of Batman and Robin. Batman or Bruce Wayne was born an only child in a crime-ridden city of Gotham (probably stressed pregnancy) to Philanthropist parents Dr Thomas and Martha Wayne, who when he was 8 years old were murdered in the back streets of Gotham City to make young Bruce an orphan and the ultimate SIM (think image, attitude, ego etc) where as Robin is more than likely a strong SOM (colorful, eager to please, sensitive, and always in the supporting role) Maybe if the story was different Brue may have become a city tycoon and Robin a fashion designer!
How this effects a mans sexuality is that by adolescence when a young man becomes aware of his sexuality if he is feeling any draw to same-sex intimacy or exploration this will be suppressed so that he does not risk being rejected by his family and community. This is why in the survey, we see many men who say they have lived a heterosexual live for many years but who say that attraction to other males started before the age of 18.
67% of men surveyed (225/335) said that their attraction to other men started before the age of 18. Of that 82% (185/225) are men who at the time of the survey were still publicly defining themselves as straight.
Influence 3 – Paternal Relationship 0 -16 yrs
In parallel and quite often in conflict the with the second influence the third influence is to do with our relationships with our mothers and fathers or primary carers when we are young. I have noticed that most men who seek same sex sensual intimacy later in life have experienced similar relationship dynamics with fathers or a primary male carer who were responsible for their welfare and security in childhood.
It appears that if the relationship between the primary male figure in the child’s early life is in some way emotionally fractured or absent then there is a far greater tendency to seek masculine connection and approval from other men later in life. It could be that the father is often absent due to work or maybe has divorce and consequently has little contact. Aggression from father to son, high expectation and pressure to perform, death, lack of interest, addiction are all possible reasons why the relationship between the son and father can become emotionally broken.
Why should this then manifest in an interest in other men later on in life? A smooth developmental journey of a child is extremely important if that child is going to grow into a self confident grounded adult. From birth to 2yrs we learn trust vs. mistrust, from 2 to 3 years, autonomy vs. shame and doubt. 3 to 5 years initiative vs. guilt, 6 to 11 years industry vs. inferiority and then in our teens identity vs inferiority and it is mostly from our parents that we learn the difference or become one or other. It follows that if during the period between birth and 14 one of the main influencers on the child’s development, the father, is negative or absent and not replaced, then there will be a strong tendency for that child to feel the negative aspects about themselves. To mitigate this, as they get older, this undeveloped self will seek out from other male figures the approval it missed and still yearns. This need or attraction is emotional rather than sexual but often it will manifest in physical contact with other males. Hugging, holding, stroking are all basic methods with which early humans developed trusting relationship with one another and the more intimate and sensitive area of the body touched the more trusting the relations will be.
To check this 3rd influence I asked men to select the most accurate description of the relationship between themselves and their fathers or primary male carers before the age of 12. Out of 366 answers 253 (69%) report that they had a relationship with their fathers that they felt some level of emotional distance, absence or aggression. Only 96 (26%) said they had a close supportive relationship and 17 (4%) said he was OK.
Influence 4 – Maternal Relationship 0-16 yrs
The 4th influence is the state of the relationship between the male child and his mother or his primary female carer from birth to around 16. If the relationship with the father or primary male career has been fractured then often the relationship with the mother will become closer. A child needs an environment of sustenance and safety in which to grow, and without a positive relationship with a male figure, they will often have to rely more on the female carer for their security.
This will be the mother but can also be relationships with a grandmother or even female siblings. It often follows that if the father is absent or aggressive then the mother or female carers maybe the sole provider and have a tough job to maintain the welfare of the family. The effect of this extra demand can result in the mother feeling extra stress and have the tendency to be anxious. Long working hours or being absent for periods of time will cause the male child to be very aware of the need to support his mother and behave in a manner that does not increase her stress. He will learn to micro manage her moods and then adjust his own behavior accordingly. Helping around the home, being a good boy, avoiding getting in the way are all familiar behavior adaptations of a male child who is brought up in these circumstances.
Later life when an adult he will through habit unconsciously continue to monitor female partner’s moods. He will be more susceptible to female criticism. During adolescence and into his 20’s a man when if he has begun to have sexual experiences with women it is unlikely he will be much aware of any affect on his performance but as he gets older and his body is less fit he may begin to experience early erectile issues.
Loss of erection, inability to orgasm or spontaneous ejaculation are all classic issues for men who feel anxiety during sex. If this anxiety becomes regular and frequently occurs when he is a female, then he may begin to wonder about his sexuality.
To compound this feeling of ambiguity, if he is also becoming aware of his need to bond physically with another male this can cause him to question his true sexuality. Male clients who are in heterosexual relationships but have come to me for sensual massage, have told me that although they seek sex with women, they often experience issues with sexual performance but when with another man they have felt relaxed and at ease.
They say they have felt more turned on, with erections being maintained and a deeper sense of pleasure being experienced. This will re affirm their belief that they must be more attracted to men maybe even be gay when in fact it is a combination of influences of the need to feel masculine approval and an over sensitive reaction to percieved female judgment.
The survey asked the question; select the most accurate description of your relationship with your mother or primary female carer before the age of 12. Of 372 answers 257 ( 69%) said it was close caring and supportive.
Of the 257 men who stated that their relationship with their mother was close, caring and supportive 221 (86 %) privately define themselves as either gay (124) bi sexual (46) or bi-curious (51) leaving only 14% (35) defining as straight.
Influence 5 – Life Cycle Bonding
Competitive Procreators to Co-Operative Provider
The time frame for the evolution of the genus Homo out of the chimpanzee–human last common ancestor is roughly 10 to 2 million years ago. Our species of Homo Sapien has been in existence for about 1.8 million years. It is estimated that we have been communicating with a verbal language for about 200,000 years so it is not unreasonable to assume that prior to a verbal language being our primary form of communication that a visual and physical language must have been the method for at least couple of million years.
We only have to watch our domestic pets or farm animals to witness how nonverbal languages work. Two dogs meet and tails wag and bottoms get sniffed, two horses meet and they snuffle ones another’s necks, a small dog meets a large dog and the former rolls over exposing its stomach and genitals. As animals communicate visually and physically so do we humans. Maybe we are not so aware but each time we communicate we also use physical signs to support our message. Gestures, eye contact and of course touch. A hand rests on a shoulder to show support, a palm touches a cheek to show affection, we hug, we kiss, we hold hands.
Although the survey shows that most of the men asked the question when did they first became aware of their attraction to the same sex of the 383 asked 67% said they first became aware of an attraction before the age of 18 years. However, of the 383 who gave their age at the time they are now 297 out of 383, 76% are above age of 41. It can be argued that this will be dependent on the age selection of the survey takes but since many of those taking the survey have come to it by search engine or via male to male sensual massage web sites it can be argued that their is a tendency for older men to seek male to male physical intimacy.
From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. If it is accepted that the primary strategy of the male is to secure his genetic future by having sexual intercourse with as many females as possible, so quantity above quality.
On the other hand, the sexual strategy of the female is to seek quantity and quality, so she will be more selective about which males she has sex with since she needs to ensure that her biology has a choice of genetic matches to chose from. This strategy ensures both a good biological match but also since the various mals she has had sexual intercourse with actually have no idea which of them is the biological father she has in fact created multiple fathers. When the baby is born not all the males will take an interest in both her and the offspring’s welfare since there is a chance that they are the biological father.
This strategy highlights the two fundamental strategies of the male and female that underpins both genders behavior. Males seek approval ( they need to be chosen by the female to have sex) and female seek desire (the more desirable she makes herself, the more males she attracts to have sex with)
For the female, the motivation to be desirable continues until menopause, and she can be sexually productive for anything up to her mid 50s. The male, on the other hand, starts his menopause at around twenty-one. It begins very slowly, and most men have little awareness of any changes in their libido. But once they pass their mid-twenties most men will experience a gradual decline in virility. Sponateous erections experienced when a teenager no longer happen quite so regularly. By the age of 30 usually getting aroused requires either visual or physical stimulation and by 40 maintaining an erection can become unpredictable. A question I am often asked (particularly by older women) is why do women hit their second sexual peek in their 40’s, and yet men seem to be on the sexual decline by this age. This is because nature wants females to mostly procreate with younger males/ Younger males have less change of carrying a virus they are fit and can protect. At a younger age when they are fit and sexually receptive they attract similar aged males but when female become more mature it is even more necessary for them to mate with a young healthy male. The Cougar woman is not a fantasy.
So if nature’s processes imply that older men are no longer required to be the primary procreators having to leave this role to the younger males, why are they not dispensed with. Why does nature keep older males alive, why not kill them off. Because their roles change. Older males are experienced, stronger and therefore can serve the community by being protectors and providers rather than front line procreators
Human child rearing is not particularly efficient when it comes to securing genetic lineage. Most human females only have one child at a time. Pregnancy is nine months, and during this time the mother is vulnerable and needs support and security to ensure a safe birth. This vulnerability continues after birth for a least another three years while she is rearing the child in which time she may have had two more offspring. So the older males would be tasked with caring and protecting the groups offspring. To achieve this, they need to work together to hunt, fight off predators and be creative in making the home secure and safe. To work together like this these older males need to alter their relationship with other older males from being competitive procreators to becoming cooperative providers.
Today men build relationships mostly by talking, meeting in the pub, sharing stories about exploits or sports teams. But before humans developed speech 200,000 years males would have been achieved this relationship change with a visual or physical language. A language of touch. To touch one another was a sign of acceptance, to touch one another in vulnerable areas of the body, the genitals and more poignantly the testicles, Mutual touching of these spots showed a sign of complete trust. Sharing ones testicles not only meant the male was metaphorically trusting the other male with his genetic future but it also felt good. As the testicles are stroked signals are sent to the limbic system of the brain that immediately causes large amounts of the ‘ love hormone’ Oxytocin to be released. This relaxes the male and encourages them to bond with one another.
This evolutionary process to shift the male to male relationships from competitive procreator to co operative provider is still happening today. We see it in every day life when as they get older men tend to join male orientated communities such as the sports club, the gym, and now with dating apps like Grndr men seek out other men for sexual pleasure, they seek out close intimate male relationships, and reciprocal genital touch and arousal is very much a part of this evolutionary male to male bonding process.
Imagine two males who once were vying for females meet on the planes of African 250,0000 years ago. Instinct tells them they need to go hunt together and to protect one another. Initially, they touch and poke one another, but gradually the touching becomes more sensual causing oxytocin to be released from the pituitary gland. The oxytocin immediately relaxes and turns them on, and soon the touching becomes sexually pleasurable with the testicles being the most sensitive and vulnerable part of the body that can be allowed to be touched by another. This is a classic behavior of the Bonobo chimpanzee that uses this same strategy to maintain a social calm in their troop. Bonobos and Humans are genetically 97% similar.
Is it too far fetched to consider that once migration out of Africa happened and humans lived in colder climates where garments were needed that the male to the male ceremony of touching one another’s testicle evolved into a symbolism of touching hands….. the handshake!
The word Testify comes from the Latin word for Testicle – Read More
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1. Use your love muscle
Great abs may help you get lucky, but if you want to get the most from the experience you need to work on your pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. At the floor of your pelvis, it controls peeing and spasms during climax, which is why doctors and sex therapists recommend developing it to improve orgasm and reduce the chances of premature ejaculation. It’s also the muscle that enables dogs to wag their tails, but that’s another story entirely. Kegel exercises will develop PC power. Squeeze the muscle you use to hold back your pee. Once you’ve identified this muscle, tighten it, hold for two seconds, then release. Repeat 20 times, three times a day, gradually holding it tight for longer. And keep at it. “Kegels must be done on a regular basis to have any benefit,” says Gordon Muir, consultant urologist at King’s College Hospital.
2. Take it to the edge
No technique is as successful in improving male orgasms as edging – holding back at the point of no return, resting, then working up to it again. And again. And again. Practice by masturbating until you’re about to come, then stop, slow your breathing and wait 30 seconds before carrying on. Or try preventing ejaculation by gently pulling down on your testicles or squeezing the tip of your penis just as you’re about to orgasm. Then repeat the process. Master the art of edging and you’ll achieve contractile or “dry” orgasms: all the fun of the Big “O” minus the ejaculation and subsequent loss of wood. If you practise enough you may even experience the male multiple. “The technique can result in incredibly intense orgasms,” says
Dr Barbara Keesling, lecturer at California State University, USA.
3. Watch Saturday’s big match
Or work out. Or rent The Godfather Part II. Or go for a run. All of these activities have been shown to raise testosterone levels. (By studies at the University of Northumbria, the College of Kinesiology at the University of Saskatchewan, Canada and the University of Michingan, USA, respectively, if anyone asks.) And researchers at Athens’ Military Hospital in Greece found that the more testosterone a man has in his bloodstream, the better his chances of achieving orgasm.
4. Don’t play with yourself
Okay, stop “practising”. Masturbation won’t give you the kind of mind-blowing eye-roller that sex will. You know it, your partner knows it and what’s more Mother Nature likes it that way. According to a study by Stuart Brody, professor of psychology at the University of Paisley in Scotland, the body releases 400% more of the hormone prolactin (which makes us feel sexually satisfied) following vaginal penetration than it does after masturbation. “Evolutionary forces always reward behaviours associated with successful reproduction,” says Brody. “And penile-vaginal sex is the only sexual behaviour that passes on your genes.”
5. Take a deep breath
Ask any tantric sex therapist, or Sting, how to achieve full-bodied orgasms and they’ll tell you the key is controlled breathing. “If you keep it deep and regular, allowing more intense arousal to build, your orgasming will become more and more satisfying,” says Barnaby Barratt, formerly of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Rapid breathing, on the other hand, increases your excitement, pushing you over the edge. “Breathing methods intensify male orgasm by increasing oxygen to the physiological processes involved in arousal,” says Barratt. Take shallower in-breaths through your nose and deeper out-breaths through your mouth to diffuse inevitable psychological and muscular tension and intensify your orgasmic experience.
6. Use your brain
“Orgasm is all about brain activation,” says Gert Holstege of the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, who has studied men’s and women’s brainwaves during orgasm. “The brain activates the genitals and controls everything.” Unlike women, though, who experience intense activity in the area of the brain connected with emotion, men experience most activity in the secondary somatosensory cortex, which deals with physical sensations. The upshot? For better orgasms, your partner needs to focus more on your penis and you need to focus on the sensations coming from it.
7. Heat things up
Really. Scientists at the University of Groningen stumbled across a curious fact: men with cold feet had a much harder time reaching orgasm than those wearing socks. The more comfortable we are, the more relaxed we are, and relaxation means better orgasms. However, since most women find the sight of a man wearing nothing but his socks about as sexy as a parking ticket, just stick the heating on.
There have always been myths surrounding bisexuals and bisexuality. While homosexuality started becoming accepted in numerous cultures across the world, bisexuality remains stigmatized and discriminated against. When it comes down to sexuality, prejudice has often been an issue leading to depression and anxiety. People who define themselves as bisexual are often forced to confront prejudices from those who define themselves as either homosexuals or heterosexuals.
Prejudices towards bisexuals often consist of closeted homosexuals and those afraid of admitting their sexual orientation, or heterosexuals playing around with their same-sex tendencies. As a result of those prejudices, it has become more difficult for bisexuals to “come out” when compared to their homosexual counterparts, due to the long time taken in experimenting with their sexuality, trying to prove to themselves that they are on one side, as people tend to choose between left or right.
It can take years of shifting between “Am I gay?” and “Am I straight and every straight goes through this?” phases.
It is understandable for heterosexuals to be afraid of getting into a relationship with someone who defines themselves as bisexual, since they don’t read as much about sexuality, but homosexuals are supposedly well read concerning sexuality and how a “spectrum” exists.
The LGBT community has the rainbow flag everywhere celebrating sexual “diversity,” but unfortunately the reality is much different. Most of the openly homosexual community treat bisexuals just like heterosexual homophobes treat homosexuals; they see bisexuals as people who always have “the easy way-out” and can leave them whenever they want to for a “normal life,” which is not true in the case of a true relationship.
It is understandable that no one wants to be with someone who doesn’t know what they want but, in the case of bisexuality, it is more of an “Am I in love?” question rather than “Which gender should I choose to love?”
In regions where same-sex relationships are highly prohibited such as the Middle East and North Africa, it happens often that homosexuals get married to the opposite sex due to social pressure from parents and society while keeping a same-sex relationship on the side, leading to more misconceptions about bisexuals.
An article in the widely read Egyptian newspaper al-Youm al-Saba’a with the headline “Pio-sexuals, a dangerous type of abnormality,” (yes, they wrote “Pio-sexuals”) describing male bisexuals as “a more threatening type of abnormality” due to the fact that they can have sexual intercourse with women, thus creating a family while keeping relationships with other men.
I, personally, do not really know how on earth they got the information that a homosexual man is incapable of having sexual intercourse with women, but the fear of men having same-sex relationships is overwhelmingly scary for most societies, way more than women’s same-sex relationships.
The bottom line would be; if a bisexual was in a relationship and cheated, then it is cheating, why would it matter if cheated with a man or a woman? I don’t see heterosexuals as the role models of faithfulness anyway, but it is a fact that same-sex relationships between men terrifies the whole society for some reason and the proof would be how two girls kissing is sexy but two men kissing is disgusting, so goes with a woman in a suit and a man in a dress. In my opinion that is why the majority of studies done about bisexuality are concerned with men’s sexual behavior only.
When I started searching and reading about sexuality, the first thing that caught my attention was the Kinsey scale, which was introduced in 1948. I loved how Kinsey said
“Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual” but then again, it is impossible for bisexuals to define themselves on that scale. The feeling of picking up a number from 1 to 6 gives the idea of being split into two parts. If one would choose 2 “Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual,” I would never agree that there is something such as 80 percent heterosexual and 20 percent homosexual because I see it as a 100 percent to whatever the type of a relationship it was at a given time. That is not to mention of course the misconception due to pornography that a typical bisexual would always want to have sexual intercourse with a man and a woman at the same time.
After the Kinsey scale comes the Klein sexual orientation grid introduced in 1978 in Fritz Klein’s book “The Bisexual Option.” It is more detailed than the Kinsey scale as it depends on a timeline of past, present and future along with 7 variables such as emotional and sexual attraction, behavior, fantasies, social preference, self identification and lifestyle. Despite putting all those variables into consideration, the Klein grid still puts you on a scale – and I guess that no research or scale can determine if a bisexual is going to end up falling into a homosexual or a heterosexual relationship.
Last year, a research study was conducted at Northwestern University that proved the existence of bisexual men who can get aroused by both men and women. Researchers used videos of male and female same-sex intimacy while genital sensors monitored their erectile responses to support the hypothesis. Researchers at Colombia University’s Mailman School of Public Health published a study this year concerning the mental health of bisexual men, stating that this group is on the ‘down low’ and run the risk for developing poor mental health, depression and anxiety as the majority conceal their homosexual experiences specially those who make higher income.
I don’t see how bisexuals can be one overarching group, since it is a very diverse community, despite the fact that the majority remain closeted. People are always striving for labels and that is why the “LGBT” term kept getting longer year after year until it became LGBTIQQA (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, questioning and allies).
Pink Therapy, which is one of the largest independent therapy organizations working with sexual diversity in the UK, suggests the term GSD (Gender and Sexual Diversities) be used instead of LGBT in order to cover everyone, but not limited to asexuality.
Whenever anyone writes about LGBT rights, it is common to mention how hundreds if not thousands of species engage in homosexual relations. But, despite knowing this and acknowledging the existence of bisexual people by having the letter B in LGBT, they still do get questioned whether they are straight or gay. Research at the University of Massachusetts “found bottlenose dolphins to engage in extensive bisexuality, combined with periods of exclusive homosexuality.”
Bisexuals are blessed with the ability to experience more and have different kinds of relationships, but still, it is not all rainbows and butterflies. They are still judged, stigmatized and stereotyped by the majority of people as well as homosexual groups who are usually oppressed as well. I guess that even when homosexuals get their full rights, bisexuality will become the new homosexuality, taking years of raising awareness until people get the meaning of true sexual diversity.
Secrets of the unpredictable Penis & How Sensual Massage CAN help
He`s cute in a rugged sort of way, you caught his eye as you entered the room, instant chemistry flows causing a stirring below. Two hours later, hands have brushed thighs, cheeky stories have been shared, bums have been touched but just as the excited anticipation of the next few hours has crossed your mind so has the apprehension that Mr Unpredictable may misbehave yet again and later true to form, your temperamental friend once more seems to have a mind of his own and lets you down. Does this sound familiar?
If so then you have experienced what most men at sometime in their sensual encounters have also experienced, what is known as Situational Erectile Dysfunction? God forbid that you have a problem, of course not you tell yourself that it was the extra pint you had and yet just when you wanted things to go to plan, they didn’t and frustration and embarrassment ruled the day.
40 % of my clients have SED
Working as a Psycho-Sensual Masseur and Sex Therapist at least 40% of the clients I see come to me with what is now proving to be is the most common and yet least understood sexual performance problem for men. Properly called Situational Erectile Dysfunction it affects many men over the age of 35 and those in high stress work environments, additionally the myth that SED mainly affects older and busy men is simply not the case as I see guys as young as 20 who also find at times that Mr Temperamental just won’t behave the way they want him to.
What is Situational Erectile Dysfunction?
Not getting or not maintaining an erection can fall in to 5 main categories, some will be driven by physiological causes others by psychological some by a combination of both. They are:-
Primary: when the man has never been able to achieve an erection. This represents approximately 10% of cases of erectile dysfunction.
Secondary: when the man has had erections in the past, but can no longer achieve or maintain an erection. This traditionally has been viewed as the most common type of erectile dysfunction.
Situational: Much more common than research reveals, when the man can only achieve an erection in particular situation or with a particular person. For example, he is able to achieve an erection with an extramarital partner, but not his usual partner, or vice-versa. One of the most common scenarios for situational erectile dysfunction is the first time a man tries to have sexual intercourse with someone new
Total: when the lack of erection is complete.
Partial: when there is a degree of erection, but it insufficient to allow sexual intercourse For many men, the image of self is inevitably linked to a perception of masculinity which in turn involves functioning and performing well sexually. – A result of either physiological or psychological influences or often both. Generally, unless the sufferer is experiencing blood pressure problems or is taking some form of blood pressure medication or has heart problems or has general ill health then the cause of SED will be mostly psychological and not pathological. It will probably be the body’s natural fight or flight mechanism (autonomic nervous system) reacting to a perceived fear signal that is causing the body to alternate from its rest & relax mode (Para Sympathetic) to its fight & flight mode (Sympathetic) when certain blood vessels and muscles and bodily characteristics alter their behaviour making a full erection impossible. Quite simply nature has not designed men to “hunt & fuck” at the same time and things can go wrong at any point of the 3 stages of producing and maintaining an erection.
First Stage: Sexual arousal, getting sexually stimulated from our thoughts and senses.
Second Stage: The brain communicates the sexual arousal to the body which increases the blood flow to the penis.
Third Stage: Blood vessels that supply the penis relax allowing an increased blood supply to flow into the shafts that produce the erection.
Psychologial vs Physiological
Physiological causes can be due to a variety of conditions such as: Cardiovascular diseases, Diabetes, Disease of the Nervous System, Aging, Medications, Smoking, Alcoholism, and Hormone Imbalance and can be treated with medical support. However in most cases the condition can also be influenced by Psychological processes and in many cases be the prime reason for intermittent erectile dysfunction. Generally if involuntary erection occurs during the night or on waking in the morning but does not occur or is lost during conscious sex (with another or even during masturbation) then other emotional based influences will be the source. These emotional influences generally fall in to the following two areas, performance and acceptance and if there is any worry around either of these two agendas then this will quickly convert in to a feeling of fear around rejection or abandonment which in turn switches on the primal survival mechanisms of the fight or flight reaction causing the autonomic nervous system to move from the para sympathetic mode that is needed to for arousal to take place to the sympathetic mode of fight or flee.
Early Childhood Influences – Upside down triangle
Often the way a man feels he should perform sexually will be connected to his early childhood psychological development. If he grew up in an environment where he was conditioned to be an achiever and to do well then good performance is essential to his sense of self worth on the other hand if he was taught to be a good boy and not disappoint others then his need to please his partner sexually will be paramount to him feeling relaxed. If one views this like an upside down triangle, sitting on its point, the flat top is the area of his general behavioural platform, sexual performance a major part of this and the point of the triangle, at the bottom represents the primary driver that is influencing this behaviour. Between these points there are often many layers of thought and behaviour that taking place both consciously and unconsciously gradually switching the brain from the rest & relaxed mode (para sympathetic) to fight or flight (sympathetic) and consequent loss of erection. For example;
Thought 1 – “I really like this person and want to have sex with them”
Thought 2 – “I am worried about losing my erection”
Thought 3 – “If I lose my erection they will think I don’t like them “
Thought 4 – “If they think I don’t like them then they will not like me”
Thought 5 – “If they don’t like me then I am not good enough”
Thought 6 – “If I am not good enough then I will be rejected”
Thought 7 – “If I am rejected I will be abandoned and will be vulnerable”
Thought 8 – “I may die”
How Can a Sensual Massage Help?
The private space of a comfortable massage room and the friendly welcoming openness of a trained Psycho-Sensual Masseur can create a supportive caring environment where any focus on performance is removed and where the receiver can concentrate on what he is feeling rather than what he is doing. As the massage unfolds the body slowly becomes relaxed, with the sensual strokes of the massage encouraging arousal to take place causing the body to respond and moving deeper in to the para sympathetic mode. As anxiety levels fall and the body becomes rested this attention on “self” encourages an erection to occur. As the receiver feels the erection grow, his confidence builds and so the body goes deeper in to the relaxed state and the erection responds by getting even firmer causing a positive spiral rather than the traditional negative spiral of anxiety/erection loss/ further anxiety/complete loss of erection.
Throughout the massage the masseur incorporates certain movements that may intentionally challenge the receivers comfort zones and mildly raise anxiety thus affecting the level of erection. By observing and reading these minute changes of the receivers dynamic, the masseur can begin to understand the possible psychological triggers that may be causing the arousal switch to flick on and off, giving an indication as to the under laying fear that is influencing the arousal process. Also with the attention on himself the receiver is able to be more self aware of the influences and intensity of the erection. A discussion following the massage often reveals the core fear that is at the root of the anxiety and with further counselling and psycho sensual massage the sufferer can considerably reduce the occurrences of SED that he experiences.
Even if he still does not always “get it up” with this better understanding of how he works he can explain to his partner that it’s because he is so attracted to them that he can’t get a hard on rather than being a signal that he not attracted at all. Changing the thought process and communicating this to the partner will greatly lessen the possibility of SED taking place.For Example;
Better Conscious Thoughts & Actions
Thought 1 – “I really like this person and want to have sex with them”
Thought 2 – “But I am worried about losing my erection”
Thought and action 3 – “I will tell them that I like them and that I am worried about losing my erection ”
Thought and action 4 – “I will be honest and tell them that if I lose my erection it is because I am a little nervous and I want them to have a good time”
Better Unconscious Thoughts
Thought 5 – “Now, If I don’t get an erection they will understand that it’s not because that I don’t like them”
Thought 6 – “Now that they understand that I if lose my erection it is not because I don’t like them, they will continue to like me”
Thought 7 – If I am honest about my fears then they will understand my behavior and not judge me
Thought 8 – “If they don’t judge me I will feel accepted”
Thought 9 – “If I am accepted then I am safe”
Thought 10 – “ If I am safe I will be relaxed and my body will allow me to become aroused
To contact Colin direct go to his web site Massage33
Our brand new website is now live!
Every now and then we all like to have a bit of make over. A new hairstyle, (for those guys with hair that is!), a fashion shift in the clothes we wear a new beard or maybe a full body wax!
Websites are no different and so our clever designer team at SMM have just completed giving the front end website a make over and an update to our logo and branding. Without losing its homage to sensual massage and our love of male-to-male intimacy, we feel that the new design brings a fresh new look and an easier usability. Take a look and let us know what you think. We would be greatly appreciative to hear your opinions and any suggestions you may have on how we can improve your SMM experience.
- The fab new SMM logo
- The clear crisp design of the home page
- The easy to use menus
- Simple process to feature
- Teasingly hi definition images in the preview area
- Simple membership options
- The thumbnail view of the news page
- The easy access to the members area
Let us help you make money!
Do you have a website that has a gay or bisexual audience. Do you sell products or services to men? Do you run a blogging or dating site?
If the answer is YES to any of the above then you are exactly what we are seeking in an Affiliate relationship. Quite simply, if you put on your website a couple of our SMM banners, [found here], any of your customers who clicks on one and subsequently joins SMM – YOU GET PAID!
Our member pay out program is easy. For every person coming from your web site who buys a subscription to Sensual Massage Movies, we pay 25% of each subscription purchased. That’s £25, ($37), for every Gold Membership generated! So why wait? [Click here] to apply now!
Sensual Massage is being more and more discovered recently by many, in particularly by straight men. For a long time sensual and erotic massage was seen as rather sordid affair with the word massage used as a pseudonym for sex services. But over the past 10 years, there has been a definite separation from the rub and tug version of massage that many men, (straight, bisexual or gay) are finding that a professional sensual massage by a professional male sensual masseur satisfies both the need for a firm massage as well as the desire to include arousal and possible orgasm.
Also for the straight (married) man who may usually take a sensual massage from a female erotic masseur taking this massage from another man seems to lessen any sense of guilt in betraying the partners whilst still have some pleasure for himself. If he is able to put aside any gay issues that may creep in to his head and just enjoy the touch for what it is then most of these men say that having a sensual massage from another man seems totally natural and extremely pleasurable. Increasingly both men and women, gay, bi and straight, single, partnered or married are trying sensual massage, often for the first time and are finding that it ticks a lot of boxes and without interfering with their day to day lives or relationships.
As a side benefit it also seems to provide a private environment where if the “receiver” wants it there is time to talk about any personal issues or worries that they may have. The massage environment provides a safe place and an empathetic masseur can often offer a rare non judgmental and often experienced ear to give advice and support in areas such as sexuality, or sexual performance. Subjects many men find hard to share with partners, friends even their doctors.
Following this article is a copy of email correspondence received by Colin of Massage 33 one of Londons most experienced masseurs and sex mentors. The email is from a married man living in the US. Colin comments that over 50% of his clients are men exploring man to man sensual massage for the first time and that many of these are coming from what one might term as a traditionally straight background. Colin has his theory about this, which is touched on in his reply to Scott.
From Scott – Austin Texas
I recently became a member of your site: Massage33.com. I have been happily married for almost 24 years and have found great joy in giving my wife massages throughout our marriage. Your site has opened my eyes to the potential of receiving sensual touch from a man. I am so impressed with the way you expain the benefits of male to male touch. Your knowledge of psychology and sexuality are wonderful. Your ability to apply these concepts in massage amazes me. By simply watching your videos, I become very relaxed and energised. What you offer is genuine. You make be wish I lived in the UK rather than the USA. Now that my eyes have been opened, I am hoping I can find a masseur in the state of Texas, perhaps near Austin, who offers sensual massage. I do believe that tantric massage can be transformation for me and for countless others. I hope I have a chance to at least talk to you over the phone to further share how much I appreciate your enlightenment.
Thanks so much!
Thanks you so much for your kind feedback its always appreciated and I am so pleased that you have found the site of benefit. Massage and particularly sensual massage is a very powerful experience. Human beings are sensual animals and so much of what we are about is connected to intimate and caring arousal. Its how we communicated for hundreds of thousands of years and of course it plays an enormous part in the reproduction of our species, so its no wonder that we all adore the feeling of arousing touch.
I believe that man to man intimate touch is also part of natures plan, its is the vehicle by which young men turn from being competitive procreators to cooperative providers. One male touching another male intimately indicates trust and a bond between one another. You will find that when you allow another man to hold and caress your balls you will feel a fundamental shift in your bodies physiology from tension to relaxation and visa versa cementing the bond between two co-operative males. The only difference today is that unlike pre historic man we have to battle with the cultural and religious programming that says its wrong!
I will be writing more articles on the powers of sensual and erotic massage showing that sensual massage can be given by men of all sexualities to both other men and women but in the mean time I recommend you join the new M33 Xtra area of the web site to view the descriptions of the massages and view the videos of the actual massages being given by myself and my team of masseurs at Massage33.
All the best
To comment on this article or if you have a question for Colin, [click here] to get in touch
Colin, Master Masseur and Sex Mentor and co founder of Sensual Massage Movies recently gave an interview to the well known US Sex Blogger C.J Asher.
C.J. Asher is a blogger on various subject matters and trending topics related to sexuality, such as prostitution, women’s rights, sex trafficking and LGBT issues as well as the adult entertainment industry, having interviewed celebrities such as Moonlite Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof and Joanna Angel, adult film star and the owner of BurningAngel.com. C.J. is also an author and has just released his debut novel, Quarter Past Midnight, about a young woman whose job as an exotic dancer unexpectedly leads her into the sordid world of a high-end escort service.
C.J. currently resides in Philadelphia, PA and his blog can be found at CJAsher.com.
C.J. Asher Interviews Sensual Masseur Colin
C.J. Asher – Tell me a little about yourself… your age, education and where you’re from.
Colin – I am fifty five years old. I was privately educated in United Kingdom preparatory and public schools and studied Hotel Management at University. I was born in London to an upper middle class family; I was the youngest of four with three much older sisters. My parents moved to Devon when I was two years old in order to buy a 130-bed hotel where I grew up on a remote cliff top ten miles from the nearest town. After University, I took over as Managing Director of the family hotel and ran it from when I was twenty two until I was forty. I met my wife in 1986 and was married for seventeen years, during which time I had five children, until my divorce in 2004 and for 5 years explored my sexuality with other men but I’m comfortably bisexual now and in a relationship with female partner but, within my career, I work with men, women and couples of all sexualities.
C.J. Asher – So what exactly is your job Colin?
I am a professional sensual masseur and sex mentor based out of the United Kingdom . As well as giving sensual massages to men, women and couples I also give sexual performance & relationship support and counselling I initially trained as a masseur in 1995 and the over the past ten years I have added to this a formal training in Sex Therapy, Neuro Linguistic Programming and Imago Relationship Therapy and have now expanded my work to include Colin has expanded his services to include, workshops, public speaking and even group senevents for men, women and couples.
C.J. Asher – Tell me about your interest in studying human sexuality.
Colin – I’m fascinated by human sexuality. I think sex and sexual intimacy is an incredibly important part of life, but for many people, sex and sexuality are things that just happen. But when we don’t work at understanding and improving our sexual selves or our partners, a sense of unhappiness or lack of fulfillment can affect our broader sense of self. I’ve made it my calling to teach people how to achieve better physiological and emotional sexual fulfillment within relationships. By improving sexual skills and incorporating more intimacy and better communication into our relationships we not only make the whole experience more satisfying but also enhance our own sense of self. I work particularly with aspects of male sexuality and male and female sexual fulfillment. I speak about and lead workshops on sex and sexuality and sensual massage and I help single men, single women and couples of all sexualities on improving intimacy and sexual connection. I also offer personal and professional teaching to singles and couples and groups in psycho-sensual and sensual massage as a practical tool to increase confidence and enhance foreplay and intimate love-making.
Colin – The primary difference is that it embraces intimacy and arousal as a part of the massage treating this natural human function as part of the massage, not just as a pleasurable addition but as an emotional and physiological treatment promoting high level of oxytocin that ensures that the receiver benefits from the total relaxation and intimate connection (we are tribal animals and designed to bond with others of our species) and following orgasm the promotion of prolactin that enhances total respite, particularly in men. For men, it also allows them an environment to explore male to male intimacy without it becoming overtly sexual. Fifty percent of my male clients define themselves publicly and happily as heterosexual, but still enjoy male to male intimacy. I also help men with erection and sexual anxiety problems and the massage provides as real a situation, so the actual dynamic can be observed and diagnosed and techniques put into practice. Increasingly, I am seeing more and more female clients, who come to see me for a variety of reasons such as:
– Women who enjoy regular massage and to have their muscles worked professionally but who also want to experience intimate arousing touch in order to connect with the deeper primal sensual part of themselves.
– Women who want to enjoy the firm yet tender touch of a man without the need to perform or give back sexually.
– Women who know that arousal and ultimate orgasm can also be enjoyed through gentle prolonged intimate touch rather than penetrative intercourse.
– Women who believe that it is right to be able to experience arousal and orgasm without commitment and responsibilities of a relationship.
Also, I have as clients many women from backgrounds that are more restricted through cultural rules or religious beliefs and whose sex lives have been unfulfilled and who can’t explore sensuality socially outside their situation. What I provide gives discretion and safety, but also the space to explore and let go as much as they want without being judged. Couples are quite diverse, but the most common experience is the husband or boyfriend who wants their female partner to receive a sensual massage and either watch or give with me. I see this as more an acknowledgement that the male partner feels he can’t fully fulfill his female partner and that she has expressed this fantasy, which is actually quite natural for women to want attention by multiple males. I also see couples who want to expand their sex lives so they come to me to learn better foreplay through massage and discuss the areas they can explore together.
C.J. Asher – What are some of the common misconceptions that people have about the work that you do?
Colin – That clients come to me just for the sexual thrill or that I am just an escort. Why would anyone want to talk about, deal with, or explore their sex life? Mostly when I speak with people for the first time, they are fascinated and often take the opportunity to tell me stuff they want to talk about without feeling judged. Sometimes in the most public of places such as dinner parties, on the train and even in shops and cafes!
C.J. Asher – What other services do you provide besides massage and counseling? I see on your website that you help clients set up their own sensual and erotic-themed events…?
Colin – Yes, I run private workshops, and group events as well as public speaking on sex and sexuality. A group workshop is designed to be primarily educational and, depending on the topic, will focus on teaching aspects of sexual performance, sensual massage and the psychology of sexuality. Most group workshops are for between four and ten people and, if the workshop includes massage practice, it will also include volunteers for the attendees to practice on. Group workshops can either be one-off single occasions or part of a series over a couple of weeks. All group workshops are designed to be relaxed and welcoming and, although the topics covered may involve nudity and arousal, they are not designed to be social mixer occasions but more about teaching and learning new skills. A group event, on the other hand, can be anything from a presentation or demonstration to a full blown party. They are primarily designed to be social occasions bringing together likeminded people to meet and explore the world of sensuality and sexuality. Drawing on my hospitality background, the events I organize bring together a combination of my skills as a twenty-year experienced hotelier and ten-year experienced masseur and sex mentor. Created as an alternative to the themed adult parties or large adult events that some people find a bit mechanical and intimidating, my events are created to let people explore their sexuality in a sophisticated elegant and sensual environment, where personal choice is respected but boundaries can be broad. Group events are usually from six to thirty in attendance, dependent on the type of event.
Colin – All are seeking a place that they can express, explore or remedy something sexual that they can’t do elsewhere. I have seen over 6,000 clients in ten years so the reasons are many and every client brings a different need, whether it’s the twenty eight year old who ejaculates in his pants even in a medical examination with a doctor or the wife of eighteen years who is still a virgin because her husband has such bad premature ejaculation he has never been able to penetrate her. Or the woman who has never had an orgasm or the married man with kids who is desperate to experience male to male sexual intimacy, but does not see himself as gay, or the couple who can’t have kids because her body keeps rejecting his sperm because, although she loves him, her unconscious knows he is a physically weak male.
C.J. Asher – Do anti-prostitution laws impact the types of services you provide?
Colin– In the UK, prostitution is not illegal but running a brothel is. So, on a one-to-one basis, I am completely legal, but I am still defined as giving sexual service (since it involves arousal although there is no legal definition of “sexual service”!), even though it provides a much needed remedial and educational environment. I see the need is more relevant for women than men since, if a female does not receive regular sexual stimulation, she can become emotionally and physiologically affected. Masturbation for men is an adequate release for lack of sex, but for women clitoral stimulation, while pleasurable, does not re-create the act of fucking. Vaginas need exercising and, for females, no matter how demure they may be publicly, the core sexual need is to be desired sexually and to feel that primal desire sexually. If the male partner is not able to provide this and she is unable to seek it elsewhere then she often will become overweight, emotionally unwell, or physically unwell. Once diagnosed as “hysteria” in Victorian times, I actually provide similar treatments as the Victorian doctors used to, such as masturbation to orgasm. The difference is that the females I see are not told that they are mentally ill, but that their feelings are normal, natural and understood. The treatment is not given with disdain, but is designed to be fulfilling, caring and stimulating.
C.J. Asher – Are love and sex always intertwined in the work you do or can they be separate?
Colin – For relationships to last, they must have a good basis of sexual and sensual intimacy between the two parties no matter what sexuality they are. Humans are not a naturally sexually monogamous species. When it comes to survival, we are in fact a pretty inadequate species and only because we have developed a highly evolved brain have we survived. Thus, we need to procreate at often as we can with as many different partners as we can. A female needs to have a choice of genetics when seeking a make, so the sexual relay race is how she is most sexually natural, hence why most women fantasize about the threesome or multiple-male encounter. She needs the best sperm and the best protector and these may not necessarily be the same male, so sex with multiple males means that, when the offspring is born, none of the males know who the father is but they all have a vested interest in keeping the child alive just in case it is theirs. So males need to fuck at every opportunity with whomever is offering and females need to fuck with a selection of males that she deems would make a good team of potential fathers, providers and protectors. Physical intimacy, on the other hand, is even more important, as being an insecure species it is the glue that binds us together. We respond to touch amazingly quickly, it relaxes us, energizes our immune system and bonds us into our nurturing units. I believe that it is not necessarily the search for satisfaction of orgasm that breaks up relationships, but more the need for physical intimacy and sensual arousal. To touch a person intimately in the most private and vulnerable places on the body and to be allowed to touch those parts means total acceptance and trust and this is what I believe is one of our most fundamental needs as humans. No touch = no trust = sense of rejection = fear of abandonment = anger = aggressive behavior to survive. So, in answer to your question, yes, sex can be had without love and love without sex, but what is important is that, when the sex is taking place itself that, at that moment, it is intimacy connecting trusting and fulfilling of both parties. If the sex goes from a relationship the physical intimacy does not need to go. I often teach men who have erection problems how to use sensual massage as a replacement to fucking their partners since, when this happens, it’s not the sex she is missing but the sexual intimacy… hands, fingers dlldos, etc. can all be adequate replacements cocks!
C.J. Asher – What types of clients, such as male, female, straight and gay, do you personally prefer performing massage services for?
Colin – I have no preference in the client’s gender or sexuality, it’s more about the attitude. Generally, I see men who are in professions that are people-focused and not goal-focused, so solicitors, human resources, trainers and hospitality guys are all good clients. They receive well and respect me as the therapist. Barristers, politicians, guys in the military, salesman and bankers I see rarely but, when I do, they are often quite predatory and have a lack of empathy for others so it can became a bit of a wrestling match!
As for women, to be honest, a women who responds well (such as with noise and movement) is very rewarding. Men fundamentally seek approval while women seek to be desired; basic primal drivers for sex and procreation to happen. If a women responds well, it makes me feel approved of and that I’m doing a good job. No response will cause me to be more cautious and less explorative. Every man knows that when a women makes appreciative noises and movements it turns him on. Sadly, I see many couples where the female is too scared to respond and the man is too nervous to take the initiative, so both end up being anxious and unfulfilled. I teach these people to change their dynamics: for her to be expressive and for him to be assertive.
C.J. Asher – What outside resources, such as sex clubs and fetish groups, do you recommend for those clients who want to experiment or try something new to spice up their sex lives?
Colin – Much depends on the client’s needs, but for couples I suggest sophisticated adult parties, tantric workshops, maybe the odd fetish club if appropriate. Often, it’s one member of the couples’ needs and not always the others. For single men exploring their sexuality, use some apps and web sites and likewise for single women such as Tinder and Blendr. Of course, I also recommend my sensual massage workshops.
C.J. Asher – What is the most rewarding aspect of your work?
Colin – To be able to help someone be who they want to be, to see my treatments release their insecurities and lack of self-esteem and to see the butterfly emerge from the chrysalis (at any age) to help them understand and fill any maternal or paternal emotional connection that has been underdeveloped, even missed, in the child that still yearns to be satisfied and completed.
Here at SMM we regularly get feedback from our male members who enjoy watching our movies and many say that it is the physical intimacy they see in the scenes that they enjoy as much as the actual sexual activity. This is heartening for us since as the makers of these movies we decided from the outset that we would not film excessive sexual activity but keep the content to hands and bodies, oil cocks and orgasm. We also recognise that many of our members are men who are in happy, or at least functional heterosexual relationship with female partners. Most of these men publicly define themselves as heterosexual but privately acknowledge that they are bi sexual or bicurious.
We found this article recently written by Joe Kort, Ph.D. Psychotherapist, certified sex therapist, and relationship therapist at Joe Kort & Associates, PC www.joekort.com in which he overviews his beleifes as to why some men like other men but who do not see themselves as gay.
Why Some Straight Men Are Romantically or Sexually Attracted to Other Men
During the last three decades, in reaction to prejudiced and destructive anti-gay attitudes, we’ve seen the pendulum swing so far in the other direction that it’s now become almost a therapeutic credo, not to mention a requirement of political correctness, to assume that men who have sex with men are “in denial” and need help to recognize and accept their “true” homosexual orientation. In fact, neither extreme represents the experience of many men. The truth is that many men who have sex with men aren’t gay or even bisexual. Although their mental and emotional state resembles that of the initial stages of coming out, gay and bisexual men go on to develop a gay or a bisexual identity, whereas these men don’t.
Many types of men engage in same-sex relationships, for a variety of reasons. Here are a few of them:
- Acting out early-childhood sexual abuse: This is also known as “homosexual imprinting.” These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented. They do not sexually desire, nor are they aroused by, other men. However, they compulsively reenact childhood sexual abuse by male perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with other men. If a basically heterosexual boy is molested by a male relative, he may keep “returning to the scene of the crime” to defuse his emotional pain or desensitize himself to it. When his original trauma gets cleared up, the “homosexual” behavior he’s reenacting ceases. This isn’t about gayness; it is about sexual abuse.
- Sex work or escorting: These heterosexual men voluntarily engage in sexual behavior with other men for the financial reward, but they lack desire for other men and are aroused by the sexual behavior, not by the man. It is widely known in the porn and sex work industries that straight men who have sex with men are paid more than they would be for sex with women.
- Seeking intensely arousing but personally shameful experiences (e.g., penetration by a dildo, bondage): These are heterosexual men who are strongly interested in various sexual experiences that many people might label “homosexual.” To avoid being identified in this way by women, they seek out men, whom they perceive as nonjudgmental.
- First sexual experience: Sometimes heterosexual males experiment with other males sexually, usually in adolescence and/or young adulthood (up to age 25), for the experience or to satisfy curiosity.
- Availability/opportunity: These straight men have high sex drives and are sexually aroused easily. They connect with men for physical sexual release, which can be quick and easy and allows them avoid having to emotionally engage.
- Father hunger: These are heterosexual men who crave affection and attention from their fathers and seek sex with men as a way of getting that male nurturance and acceptance.
- Sexual orientation toward men but emotional/romantic orientation toward women: These are men who are romantically attracted to women and are usually partnered with women. They can be sexual with women they love, but they are predominately aroused and driven sexually by desire for sex with other men.
- Narcissism: These are straight men who are self-absorbed and have a constant need for attention and acceptance; they use sexuality with men to be worshipped and adored.
- Sexual addiction: “Gay” behavior can be the result of sexual addiction. But even a “cured” sex addict may still feel attracted to men, as do celibate gay priests.
- Cuckolding: These straight men enjoy fantasies of — or the reality of — their female partners having sex with other men, either in front of them, nearby or with their knowledge about when and where it occurs. They’re often sexually aroused by feeling humiliated that their female partners are being pleased by another man whom they see as more potent and better endowed. Other men enjoy being sexual with another man’s female partner in front of him, or at least with his knowledge. Sometimes they engage in sexual behavior with the man, but only in the presence of the female partner.
- Exhibitionism: These straight men enjoy being looked at by both men and women as long as they are being admired for their bodies. Many are body builders and muscular and enjoy the homoerotic attention of gay men and might even flirt with gay men to encourage more admiration.
- Sexual release in prison: These straight men engage in sexual behavior with other men in prison. Their sexual release with another person occurs with men only because men are what’s available. Once released from prison, these men no longer engage in sexual behavior with men.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of reasons that some straight men might engage in sexual behavior with other men. In any case, it’s crucial to give each man who has sex with men information about homosexuality, bisexuality and the coming-out process, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, family-of-origin issues, and mood disorders that could contribute to the desire to have sex with men. However, it’s up to the man himself to decide if his interest in sex with other men is the beginning of the coming-out process, a sign of early sexual abuse, a sexual addiction, or some other form of acting out. It could also just be that once-in-a-while sex with men is something that a man might want and means nothing more than that. As Freud is often said to have remarked, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!”