I Cum Too Quickly
How can Sensual Massage Help with PE – article by Master Masseur Colin Richards
If you are reading this article because the topic applies to you or someone you know, my first recommendation is to STOP thinking of your or their situation as a problem. Yes, cumming before you want to may be frustrating, embarrassing, disappointing, even shaming but it is not an illness and you wont die from it. In fact I feel that the terms premature ejaculation and its partner term, erectile dysfunction are misnomers and confusing. In both cases it is actually the body behaving at its most efficient. The effect may well be inappropriate to the occasion but the cause and response is human biology working at its most efficient.
Last week I was contacted by Rudy who said he suffered from premature ejaculation and asked if I could help him. Rudy said that he desperately wanted to enjoy a sensual massage but was afraid that he would cum quite early in the session and that he would be both embarrassed and disappointed. He went on to explain that for the past 5 years or so his PE had been getting progressively worse and that even when he visited his GP to discuss his problem he would find himself ejaculating in his pants.
Before promising Rudy a remedy and accepting his appointment, I needed to find out more about his circumstances. I needed to know about his health and his general disposition. So we spoke on the phone and quite quickly it became clear that his age and health were not an issue and that his PE was probably anxiety related. When on his own Rudy said he had no problem masturbating and would cum within a 2-3 minutes of starting. This is the usual time for a man to go from start to finish unless he purposely holds back by alternating speed. But the moment Rudy was in the presence of someone else (male or female) a spontaneous ejaculation would occur, often within 30 seconds.
Exploration of the past
The first thing for me to do was to get an idea of Rudy’s life, both present and past. What was his work and social life like? Was he from a big or small family? Was he attracted to women or men or both? What culture was he from and how was sex regarded and treated within that culture.
Rudy was in his late 20’s British educated but born in the middle east. The second of 3 children, with an elder bother and younger sister, he worked in IT. He regard himself as straight but was also bi curious. He was circumcised at birth and with an average 5.5 inch healthy cock. He was 5ft 10in (170cm) tall and a bit overweight at 100kg.
So far nothing in what Rudy had said particularly leapt out to me as a possible cause of his anxiety related PE. His relationship with his family seemed good but when I asked him to describe his mother and father as animals evidence began to emerge.
“My mother is like a Dove, she is peaceful, loving and calm” I asked if like a Dove she was easily alarmed and often alert to danger. “Oh yes when i was young she was very caring but also she was a bit nervous, particularly when my father was around”.
“And your father” I asked.
“My father, he is like a Lion”. I asked him to describe the characteristics of a lion in 3 words. “Angry, strong and always in charge”. I asked if these were words that he would also use to describe his father, he said yes. “my father was always right and would rule the family his way. He often lost his temper” I asked if he was scared of his father when he was young. “Yes I was scared a lot of the time, he was always ordering us to do things and if we were not good enough he would shout at us sometimes hit us.
“What did you do when he shouted at you, I asked. ” I went to my room and cried” he said.
“Did you do anything else”?
“Yes I would masturbate to make myself feel better”
Where do we go from here?
Clearly, when Rudy was young his relationship with his mother was one of closeness and love but also one which also caused him anxiety. Although a loving mother having a husband who was verbally aggressive, maybe even physically aggressive, her tendency to become anxious would have been high.
As a child Rudy clearly depended on his mother for love, emotional sustenance and security and would have also have become very alert to her state of mind. If Rudy detected anxiety in his mother his anxiety would make him fearful for his own security, this would create a cognitive survival response of – mother/female anxiety = my fear = my fight/flight response = I cry and masturbate to make me feel calm.
In the case of his father an even clearer cognitive survival response of – father/male authority figure = disapproval = my fear = fight/flight response = I cry and masturbate to make me feel calm.
Of course there will be many other factors influencing Rudy’s state of mind but to so clearly link masturbation, ejaculation and the pleasure of orgasm as a remedy for his fear seems a clear factor for his current situation.
One of the more remarkable things about the human brain is its ability to adapt itself to create a behaviour that maintains survival. This is particularly pertinent when we are children when we pretty incapable of looking after ourselves. Our brains quickly adapt a create new neurological pathways to ensure a response that keeps us alive. Once it works the brain repeats that response over and over again until it become second nature eventually becoming ultra sensitive to warning signals and automatically responding with the survival technique often when the threat is only perceived and not actually there.
This is more than likely what is happening to Rudy.
a) Humans are not designed to fight and fuck at the same time! If we are in danger our autonomic nervous system very quickly responds and switches from the sympathetic mode to the parasympathetic mode (fight and flight to rest, digest and have sex). For the human male this means that an arousal will be curtailed and usually erection will disappear immediately. However in some men a precursor to loss of erection is spontaneous ejaculation and could be seen as natures way of ensuring quick sex and impregnation as a last chance to secure the genetic lineage before being killed off.
b) Rudy has clearly created a cause and effect reaction to stressful situations. As a child when he was scared of his father, he hid and masturbated. This habit became unconsciously ingrained as a response to anxiety and so now whether having sex with a woman whom he is required to please and make happy ( reflection of keeping his mother calm) or needing approval from a dominant man ( fear of his father disapproval) his mind and body responds with ejaculation as a calming method for himself.
How can a sensual massage help?
The act of massage immediately calms the body. As we are touched oxytocin, the arousing/calming/loving hormone is released. The effect will be an immediate calming of the clients mind and body. He will also know that I as his masseur am on his side so no worries of disapproval, in fact the massage will incorporate lots of caring supportive touch. As the massage progresses and Rudy becomes more calm so I can bring in the arousing elements and by communicating with one another during the massage Rudy and I can attempt to have him last as long as possible, thus giving him practice to take control of his responses and change his habit of ejaculating to soon.
It is quite possible that in the first massage he will still ejaculate early, as this is a process of repetition until his brain re wires itself. In the early stages though I may well suggest he allows himself to ejaculate within the first few minutes so that the pressure and fear is reduced and he can enjoy the erst of the massage and experience the slow arousal as his body recovers from the first ejaculation. This will most likely enable him to experience a second ejaculation towards the latter part of the massage.
Quite simply by having a sensual massage I can create as real scenario for Rudy to experience arousal but at the same time remove as many of the anxiety triggers as i can. Over a period of time, probably a little as 4 appointments, the massage plus the awareness and understanding of why he experiences PE will go a long way to improving his sex life.
Learn your to give a sensual massage and become a confident long lasting lover
But also learning how to give a sensual massage is a great way for all men to lean to last longer and make the experience more extensive for their partner. Wether with a women or another man to be able to make your sex last longer so that you partner enjoys themselves to the full and more is a most empowering feeling. This is also what I teach when i work with male clients
More about PE
What causes PE?
The exact cause of premature ejaculation (PE) is unknown but it may be due to a number of different factors, both physical and psychological, that vary from person-to-person.1
Physical causes of PE
Ejaculation is controlled by the central nervous system via neurotransmitters; chemicals that are released by nerve cells in the brain. The neurotransmitter that helps to prevent ejaculation is called serotonin, and it is thought that in some cases, PE may be caused by a disruption in the levels of serotonin or the serotonin signalling in the brain.2,3
Other physical causes of PE can include having an overly sensitive penis or having abnormal reflex activity of the ejaculation system. Other medical conditions, or side-effects experienced with other medications, may also cause PE.3
Psychological causes of PE
The psychological causes of PE can be wide-ranging and vary greatly from person-to-person.1,4,5
Sometimes psychological issues can be a result of PE rather than a cause, as they can come from the emotional reactions and frustration felt after PE has occurred. These feelings can make the condition worse as they can become a weight on a patient’s mind as well as their partners.6
No matter if these issues are the cause of or a result of PE, talking to a doctor can be the first step to breaking this cycle and finding a solution.
There are two different types of PE: lifelong PE (primary) and acquired PE (secondary)
About 65% of men who have PE have lifelong PE. As the name suggests, it is a condition that will often start from the first sexual experience, and will continue throughout life.7 It is thought to be caused by both physical and psychological factors and can be genetic.2
Many men live for years without any ejaculation problems, and then gradually or suddenly, they start to experience PE.7 This is known as acquired PE and can be caused by social, psychological or relationship problems – it even can be a side-effect of some medications.2 Acquired PE can also be related to other conditions such as an overactive thyroid, erectile dysfunction or other prostate related conditions. The treatment of these other conditions can often relieve a man of their PE symptoms.2
Situational PE is a type of acquired PE that occurs with just one partner. It is most probably due to psychological problems related to the situation, the partner or the relationship.
Although genital sensitivity may contribute to the development of premature ejaculation (PE) symptoms, experts now recognise that PE is a multidimensional condition that can involve psychological, physical, hormonal and neurological problems. Furthermore, PE may occur alongside other sexual conditions.1
There is strong medical evidence to support the use of oral medications in treating PE but these are only available on prescription.5 A doctor can provide information and advice on what is available.
Topical numbing creams or sprays
Creams and sprays containing anaesthetic compounds are available, which desensitise the penis and therefore help delay ejaculation.1,5 They have been successful for some men, however using topical anaesthetic for too long can overly numb the area leading to an inability to gain an erection or ejaculate.5 There is also the possibility of transferring the anaesthetic compound to a partner, which may reduce pleasurable sensations for them.
A number of do-it-yourself techniques exist that can help men to recognise pre-ejaculatory signs and improve their control over ejaculation, the most common are the ‘stop-start’ and ‘squeeze’ techniques.
Masturbating before sex is one of the behavioural techniques which is often used to help manage premature ejaculation. This technique can be used to increase the amount of time it takes before ejaculation during sex, but this may not be a long term solution. Masturbating immediately before sex desensitises the penis, delaying ejaculation during sex.
A number of men (around 41%) with premature ejaculation (PE) report using alcohol or recreational drugs to address their condition even though treatments are available.1 In the short term these all can delay ejaculation but in the long term they can cause PE. Serious undesirable side-effects associated with drugs must be taken into account. Moreover, psychological problems – developed as a result of dependence on other substances – could join the psychological problems caused by PE. Trying to ‘cure’ PE with drugs and/or alcohol can be very dangerous.