A Question of Sex

What are the differences in sex drive between men and women?
It may seem contrary to popular belief, but in my experience, rather than the man being the predatory sexual hunter and the female playing the role of the passive receiver, it is very often the reverse. 
When it comes to the biology of sex and securing their genetic lineage, men need to be selected by the female for both their stature and the quality of their sperm. Whereas the female needs to attract as many sexual suitors as possible, in order to maximise her chance of getting the best available sperm and ongoing security to take care of her during pregnancy and subsequent child rearing.
For these reasons, it’s often women that have a higher sex drive.
Psychological Factors:
How does upbringing and culture between men and women affect our sex drive?
Fundamentally, the sex drives of men and women should not be affected by culture or upbringing, since from birth we are all embodied by nature with similar biological sexual urges. However as we know, the environment, culture, and belief systems that we are born into soon being to affect how we behave sexually. Sex drives can be very deeply influenced by psychological factors, that are sometimes unrecognised on a conscious level. 
For example, men who have been brought up in cultures where the masculine and feminine roles are strongly defined, may behave in a way that enforces their sexual prowess, so they focus on penetrative sex and it being fast and furious, rather than first giving sensual foreplay. They may have a sense of ownership over their female partner and restrict any broader sexual adventures, ie. threesomes. They may seem to have a high sex drive and initiate often, in an attempt to assert dominance or ownership.
In some cultures once married, the man may no longer see his wife as the sexual being he once lusted over. Instead he may see her as the mother of his children and thus lose his sexual desire for her. It’s not that his sex drive itself, is depleted; he may just channel it elsewhere. This is quite common in cultures where the mother role is very strong within the family.
On the other hand, women from cultures that teach them to hide and confine their natural sexuality, will often become sexually frustrated since they are unable to explore their sexuality for fear of judgment. Women from these cultures will often find that fear of damaging their reputation will stop them from exploring their sexuality more openly. 
Conversely there are other cultures, where sex is seen by women as a means to find security. These women when young are taught by thief mothers to do as they did and be provocative and offer whatever is wanted by the man – that is until the ring is on the finger and security is established, then often sex will stop, since to them them sex has always been the man’s pleasure and never theirs. What’s not experienced cannot be missed!
Age and sexual desire:
When does sexual desire begin for men and when does it drop? 
Sexual desire in men usually develops around 10 or 11 years old, as puberty hits and the relative hormones kick in. Most boys will begin to masturbate regularly, many even earlier than this. Erections can be obtained as they wish.
Although intense at the time, when seen in a life timeframe this period does not last long and by 21 male sexuality begins to wane. Gradually at first and barely noticed, but this shift in male sexuality, what could be termed as the male menopause, is the start of a change in the sexual and social role of the male.  Nature is selfish, it only thinks of itself, it wants a species to survive and in the case of humans its no different. So nature prefers that its young virile males be the successful procreators – young males equal quality sperm, less chance of viruses and are therefore provide a much better chance for the female to make a healthy baby. Whilst the older males are no longer competitive procreators, but co-operative providers, working with one another to ensure security and food for the clan. 
When does sexual desire for women peak and when does it drop – can menopause affect it and how can this be overcome?
Women’s levels of sexual desire peak relatively early, as soon as they are equipped to procreate and oestrogen levels are naturally high. These levels peak and trough throughout the monthly cycle and ultimately fall with menopause. There are a number of hormones at play, falling oestrogen levels affect vaginal lubrication and libido and also increase fatigue, which doesn’t make for a high sex drive or high levels of sexual confidence. Oestrogen levels can be managed with hormone replacement therapy, which eases the symptoms.
However, testosterone, which despite being known as a male hormone is still produced in the female body; is also responsible for heightened libido and although this does diminish during menopause, it is still produced.
Why is there a time table crash between men and women when it comes to sex – many man prefer it in the morning – women in the evening – why is this?
Quite simply, this is a lifestyle issue. It’s not that men prefer it in the morning and women at night, its that men will have sex at any time and because most men wake with an erection (‘morning glory’ being caused by high testosterone in the body) and in her reproductive prime, the female would have received with this pleasure. 
But in the high pressured times we live in now, mornings tend not to be great for women. Getting up, getting ready, sorting kids out and other roles and responsibilities that women traditionally undertake, are simply not conducive to morning sex. So night time seems a much better moment to relax and enjoy sex. Sadly by this time of the day, many men may have fallen asleep in front of the TV!

Will Women Legitimise Erotic Massage?

Will it be women that drive society to accept sensual massage as a legitimate therapy?

Sensual and Erotic Massage has been around for thousands of years and for much of that time seen as healthy, pleasurable and quite normal. From the Ancient Greeks to India and then the Romans, naked massage was the norm. It all changed when the newer religions appeared and arousal of any sort came to be regarded as sexual and and carnalistic and only to be experienced conditionally.

And so it has been for the last 1500 years that any sensual or arousing encounter experienced outside of relationship has been seen as unacceptable. However in the last 30 years sensual massage has become popular again, particularly with men and many men now seek this as a way to de stress or to receive caring intimate attention, but if we are to see a mind shift by society it will probably be women that finally help change societies attitude to sensual massage.

Increasingly over the past 5 years more and more women are discovering that they too can enjoy a moment in time that is intimate, expressive, caring sensual and erotic and the go back to their day to day lives feeling un-judged or any guilt.

Below is an article written by Master Masseur Colin Richards who has been giving sensual massage to for 10 years and to women for 5 years.

I have been giving sensual massage to women for six years and in that time have treated women of all ages, nationalities, ethnicities, body types and size.  Some of the women I see are happily single, some are reluctantly single, many are partnered in loving yet sexually unfulfilling relationships. Others are in relationships where the sex has become just functional, some are in good relationships but want more, sexually. In all cases when booking the appointment they express a desire to enjoy a level of sensual and erotic satisfaction that they feel is currently missing from their lives.


So, it is no surprise that after taking their first sensual massage most of my female clients say that as well as being very pleasurable, it has also helped them to re ignite a sexuality that they felt they had lost touch with. Or that the massage has enabled them to discover a sexuality that they have been yearning to find but as yet not been with a partner who was able to help them discover it.

Growth & popularity of sensual massage

The growth and popularity of sensual massage has mostly been been driven by men as it is widely accepted that it is men that seek sex as a means to satisfy sexual drive and physical intimacy that may be missing from their personal lives. However it was not until the late 1980’s when tantric massage slipped oilily on to the westerners menu, did an alternative to paid for sex become available. As the word tantric crept in to the language so the many men who previously had avoided the mechanical world of sex services but who desperately wanted to feel sensuality and intimacy of erotic touch, began to explore the caring sensual touch of a tantric masseur.

Then around 2005 and emerging from the tantric world came the option of sensual massage. Sensual massage offered a similar caring erotic experience but took a more humanistic approach to arousal and rather than overlaying the massage with spiritual ceremony the sensual masseur focused more on the bodies natural desire for intimate touch and arousal. By incorporating traditional massage techniques with sensual arousal it gave the receiver an all round experience that was at the same time relaxing and therapeutic but also stimulating and erotic and unlike the tantric massage it generally included the orgasm as a natural crescendo to the massage.

With more and more people now seeking this authentic approach to massage, there has been a considerable increase in masseurs offering sensual massage, many of them trained in the traditional techniques but then adding the sensual aspects to their massage routine.

So it is my hope that soon sensual massage will soon no longer be regarded by society as a sexual service (according to UK legal terminology any contact that causes arousal whilst not illegal is termed a sexual service) but be accepted as a legitimate health treatment that relaxes our body, improves our sense of well being and often improves our relationships and sexual performance with partners and loved ones.


However I believe that if this acceptance it to happen will not driven by men but that it will be women who change the perception and encourage the sceptics to accept sensual massage as a bono fide treatment , since it is women whom are increasingly seeking out sensual massage not because they are sexually needy men but because many know that if their bodies are not sexually satisfied they suffer physiologically, emotionally and even in their health.

Victorian hysteria 

In Victorian times thousands of women were diagnosed with a mental disorder known as Hysteria. One of the diagnosis of Hysteria was for a women to have an “overt desire or need for sexual arousal” and the treatment to remedy this “ghastly mental disorder” was either masturbation by hand from a doctor or worse still, the removal of the woman’s ovaries.

Thankfully attitudes have changed and western society in particular does not view female sexuality in this way any more. However this acknowledgement of female sexuality is not because woman’s desire for sexual fulfilment has changed, it is because most societies understand better that female sexual energy is a strong natural force and that the freedom to express it is an essential part of being female.

Sensual massage is even more relevant for women

But there is a catch. As enlightened as society maybe, are women really any better off than they were 150 years ago?  Certainly women can talk about and explore their sexuality easier now, magazines are abound with information of better orgasms or sexual techniques and look at the phenomenon of the book 50 ‘Shades of Grey’ and its BDSM story line that 80,000 female readers found fascinating. But it still seems that if a woman admits to enjoying sexual expression and that wants more or something different than she is getting currently in her life, unlike men she still has limited options where to find it.

She could slip into a relationship that is fundamentally not right for her but that at least is sexual or she could seek out casual sexual encounters via internet sites or sex apps with anonymous partners whom she knows very little about and risking not only her reputation, her health but also her safety. She could, with her partner explore the world of swinging or sex parties where the sex can be more about erotic entertainment than sensual intimacy or of course she could take a lover or a toy boy to play with or simply expand her sex toy library and use masturbation as a regular release.

But Sensual Massage gives women another and i think much more appealing choice as to how to enjoy her sexuality. A place where she can be private, non judged, and the centre of attention to be able to explore her sexuality in what ever way she likes giving her a safer and as most women say much more fulfilling meaningful experience and as more and more women try sensual massage the more encouraged society will be to view it not as a sex service but as a quite normal pleasurable therapy.

Written by Master Masseur Colin

Below are some of the reasons female clients have given for wanting to explore a sensual/erotic massage.

  • I enjoy regular massage, to have my muscles worked professionally but I also want to experience intimate touch so that I can connect with the deeper primal sensual part of myself
  • I want to experience a sensual massage in “50 Shades of Grey” manner where the masseur is in complete control and I can just lay back and enjoy his authority with the knowledge that I am ultimately in control of all that takes place. (This style does not include any BDSM or role play but incorporates assertive massage and some physical body lifting as well as strong arousal techniques. (this style of massage can only be given to those with average to slim physiques)
  • I like to enjoy the firm yet tender touch of a man without the need to perform or give back sexually
  • I enjoy receiving arousal and ultimate orgasm through gentle prolonged intimate touch rather than penetrative intercourse
  • I have a loss of libido
  • I have a fear of intimacy and am embarrassed about my body but stiil want to enjoy sensual arousal
  • I experience painful intercourse, orgasmic dysfunction
  • I am insecure and sexual inexperienced and want to learn more about my sexuality as well as how to give excellent sensual arousal to my partners
  • I am a single women, who is happy to not be in a relationship and although my sex life is good I miss the intimacy and tender touch that a relationship brings.
  • I believe that it is right to be able to experience arousal and orgasm without commitment and responsibilities of a relationship.
  • I want to explore orgasm as I have heard that there are multiple ways a female can achieve this.
  • I am in a marriage/ partnership where most else is good but the sex and intimacy has declined and I need to receive intimate attention within a safe professional therapeutic environment that is discreet and private that will not challenge my current situation


Gay Masseurs Grow Exponentially

Here is a fascinating commentary about the exponential growth of gay men taking up massage as a serious business. Its not just other gay men who seek out the talents and skills of a gay masseur but also straight men and women. Why? Well apart from the attention to detail that most gay men adhere to when creating the treatment space and the ambiance of the massage itself, they also give a firm strong massage and generally have a natural intuition to the “receivers” needs and desires. Usually not shy about their own bodies they have no problem with nudity and arousal and often enjoy a shared experience should the client want it. For women they provide a safe space to explore where the female can let her own energies unleash whilst not feeling she has to “pay the piper” at the end of the massage. For the straight man having a gay masseur touch and work their body gives them an opportunity to feel and be felt by another man but under the umbrella of OK’ness of just taking a healthy relaxing treatment that may just happen to go further than the usual. The old adage about a couple of pints being the difference between a straight man and a gay man could be updated to the difference being whether he takes a massage from a female or a (gay) male therapist!

The article below is written by Joseph Holmes it is a well presented over view of why gay and of course bisexual men make such good masseurs.

From the Team At SMM

If you think gay massage therapists cater only to gay men, think again.

Massage therapy and its lasting benefits to the human body have been around for millennia. So it comes as no surprise to find the popularity of massage therapy at an all-time high, due in part to more serious attention offered from the medical field and the accolades subsequently awarded.

What may surprise you, however, is finding a new resurgence of massage therapists emerging from the gay community, and they mean business. On a playing field where massage therapy has moved up in rank as reputable business, openly gay men are standing front and center, replete and registered with certifications and licensing befitting serious businessmen. Sore-muscled people from all walks of life are touting the benefits of using a gay massage therapist, and their voices are getting louder. Sound intriguing? Keep reading.

Forget any negative notions about the ‘gay’ aspect of it, especially if you are a straight man prone to homophobic angst. Free yourself from that out-dated fear and commit this to memory: Gay massage therapy is not synonymous with gay sex. Gay men daily roam the world of free enterprise where sexual orientation is about as important as eye-color.

Men get massages from other men all the time without fear of the situation remotely bordering on the sexual. And why not? Any ethic-minded masseur establishes this at some point: Massage therapy is not sex therapy—gay or straight. Straight men have benefited from safe and rewarding massages under the healing care of gay men and never know it. Or, as in some cultures, maybe they did and still do and couldn’t care less. Either way, the experience was no less rewarding.

Some women actually seek out a gay masseur. Perhaps it is the allure of a male therapist that draws them. These women want an environment where they can experience a safe, non-sexual, and rewarding massage from a man—just like the straight guys. Who could be more ideal than a gay masseur?

Answer: Probably no one. Why not a masseuse or straight masseur? Again, comfort level. Some women insist on a gay masseur. Reason? He seems more in tune with nurturing. In which case, some female clients leave a lot of poor body-image baggage outside the door than if they were receiving a massage from anyone else. With an openly gay masseur, a woman may lower her shackles of unhealthy inhibitions enough to consider a clothing-optional massage. Lying undraped, her massage experience becomes far more rewarding. And yes—I repeat—safe.

One may ponder: So, a gay masseur is just another masseur?

Well, not so much, and that’s good news for you.

Stereotypes ignored, why not consider there’s truth in that gay men may typically be more sensitive to the needs of others around him? In the case of providing a beneficial massage, healing power of touch for him may seem more intuitive than learned. But don’t be fooled. A gay masseur won’t pull any punches when it comes to searching out that shoulder-clenching angst and go to town, knuckles and all.

Massage therapy in the fullest of holistic approaches offers more benefits for a client comfortable enough to lie completing unclothed, with or without a thin sheet of drapery for warmth and basic human sense of security. This is not about exhibitionism; it is about removing any inconvenience separating sore muscles from trained hands.

Basically, just go with it. Relax and note if the massage space is intimate, allowing more thoughtfulness to mood-enhancing details. Or maybe the wall color is serene in candlelight, and soft music clears the mind. Suddenly, your weary soul lies in wait for more than just oil being kneaded into the valley of a sore back. Your soul wants let loose with no boundary, and it’s long overdue.

Ah, Massage Utopia, you imagine. Why, professional massage therapist’s world-over must be setting these same stress-allaying stations, right? Wrong. Especially when it comes to corporate massage business.

Few people know pro masseurs—gay or straight—employed with name-brand gyms and uber spas must follow strict guidelines. Who hasn’t walked away from such places feeling incomplete, if you felt much at all? Ok, perhaps it felt “nice”, but it certainly wasn’t memorable. Maybe the ambience was sterile, if it existed at all. Maybe the session felt rushed. Maybe massage sans attire was prohibited, thanks to Big Business imposed regulations guaranteeing a mediocre experience.

But forget all that. You have now been enlightened to a better alternative—your gay masseur in his privately owned practice. If you don’t find ‘Gay Masseur’ listed in the Yellow Pages, or if you’re pretty certain he isn’t living next door, then your best (and guaranteed bet) is accessing the Internet.

Through specific web sites such as FindAMasseur.com, you are almost certain to find one within a short drive. But even if the drive is farther than you thought, don’t give up. These gay-thus-cooler masseurs are coming closer to home sooner than you think. What we consider the benefits of the big city are starting to spread into smaller communities. And openly gay massage therapists are right in the charge.

Once you find your fantastic gay masseur you’ve frantically searched for, complete with a privately owned practice, you’re in for a stress-wringing treat. You’ll see why his carefully assembled environ of serene warmth will provide a place so safe, you’re likely to visit that astral plane au naturel. With fewer restrictions, making such a request will feel, well, perfectly natural.

Let’s face it; draping the human form is definitely high art when it comes to a classical Greek sculpture. But not so much when you crave the royal treatment of massage therapy happily attended by an openly gay massage therapist. After all, clothed and draped during a massage is like sunbathing in a parka.

Joseph Holmes, a freelance writer of more than twenty years, is currently a staff writer for Findamasseur.com.

How To Find A Great Sensual Massage

The Long and often slippery road to finding a good Sensual Massage

Massage is for Real Men – It is said that real men don’t cry or wear their heart on their sleeve. Real men are resilient and stoic, that they shun sensuality and intimacy in preference to instant gratifications.

It is also said that real men don’t seek professional help for their psychological aches and pains or emotional fears and so when it has come to reducing their stress this has traditionally limited their options for treatment, instead relying on a hard session at the gym or the pub to eradicate the anxieties that engulf them in today’s competitive image conscious society.

Massage is on the “up”

Therefore it should come as no surprise that according to the International Spa Association, the number of men who have visited Spas in the last five years has grown by 900%. Spas are now socially accepted and of course are extremely enjoyable and Londoners recently admitted that a Spa treatment helped them relax better than a Friday night at the pub and it is massage that is at the top of the list for chosen treatments for men.

The challenges for men having a massage.

As every man who has experienced massage knows it can be an encounter of mixed feelings. On the one hand to have your body and muscles worked deep and to feel the intimate touch of another’s hands, male or female, is a wonderfully relaxing therapeutic sensation. On the other hand it can also be an experience fraught with anxiety and tension since with even the most expert hands at work many men become acutely aware of the rumbling sensations of arousal as the body responds and with it the fear of obvious visual detection and subsequent embarrassment.

Sensual Massage – more than just a “rub & tug”

Getting a “hard on” during a regular massage is probably everyman’s nightmare, particularly if the treatment is clearly designed only to be therapeutic. The embarrassment is compounded more so if the masseur has not brought up the subject of potential arousal and through their own awkwardness to the subject, leaves it as an unspoken “demon” that hangs in the air throughout the whole proceedings! It is because of this that many men will avoid having massage at all, but increasingly more and more men are discovering the availability, pleasure and safety of receiving a Sensual Massage that is designed to includes both proper muscle work and allows, sometimes even encourages, full arousal often to orgasm. The internet now gives plenty of opportunity to find a sensual massage but how do clients find a masseur who is both trained in massage and comfortable to include intimate erotic touch as part of the treatment.

How to spot the “Givers” from the “Takers”

With none of the official massage schools broad minded enough to train practitioners how to give sensual massage, clients are generally reliant on their own initiative when searching the pages and pages of adverts. Often sensual massage will be couched in “Tantric” language which, much to the dismay of true Tantra teachers, has become a bi word for erotic massage. Just because it talks of “Lingums” and “Wands of Light” it does not necessarily mean you will receive a professional massage. So for those men who do want to enjoy a sensual massage given by a professional here are a few tips on how to sort the genuine “givers” from the “takers”

12 Tips on how to find a good sensual masseur

1. Has the masseur got their own web site – generally if they have invested effort and money in a web site then they will be more serious about their work. The better the web site the more professional the masseur
2. Ask if the masseur has been trained by a legitimate massage school in either Therapeutic, Swedish or Sports Massage – a tip is to ask if they include Effleurage or Petrissage strokes in the massage, any properly trained masseur will know these correct terms for long flowing strokes and kneading movements.
3. Ask for a full description of what the massage will or won’t include, if they indicate that they do not offer sexual services then they will more than likely be more genuine in their approach.
4. Do they display client testimonials on the web site – Of course it’s easy to make these up but usually the genuine testimonials can be spotted rather than those self written.
5. Beware of discounts – a good sensual masseur does not usually need to give discounts.
6. Don’t go for anything less than 60 min – 75 min or 90 is the usual length of a full body sensual massage. Offering 30 minutes generally means only one thing!
7. Do they have their own massage studio or do they just offer “out calls” – a proper massage can really only be given on a massage bed or possibly a yoga mat, beds are not suitable whether hotel or home and generally implies that the massage will slip quite quickly into something more sexual and then finish as soon as the client reaches orgasm with no discount for reduced time.
8. Look for “talent” not “tit” “creativity not cock”. Don’t get swayed by erotic suggestive pictures of the masseurs, take notice of the more professionally presented masseurs.
9. Look at their operating times – if it’s predominantly a late night service then it will be more “tug” than “rub”
10. If you can when making the enquiry speak to the masseur themselves, a lot can be understood from their level of spoken English and knowledge of their service
11. Go with your “gut” if you don’t feel right don’t book, if you feel iffy on the phone imagine what you will feel like when they have their hands on you.
12. And finally NEVER be afraid to walk away before the massage begins. If the venue, cleanliness and atmosphere make you uncomfortable, even if you have to pay a cancelation fee it’s better to be out of pocket than out of your depth!

I Cum Too Quickly

How can Sensual Massage Help with PE – article by Master Masseur Colin Richards

If you are reading this article because the topic applies to you or someone you know, my first recommendation is to STOP thinking of your or their situation as a problem. Yes, cumming before you want to may be frustrating, embarrassing, disappointing, even shaming but it is not an illness and you wont die from it. In fact I feel that the terms premature ejaculation and its partner term, erectile dysfunction are misnomers and confusing. In both cases it is actually the body behaving at its most efficient. The effect may well be inappropriate to the occasion but the cause and response is human biology working at its most efficient.

Rudy’s Story

Last week I was contacted by Rudy who said he suffered from premature ejaculation and asked if I could help him. Rudy said that he desperately wanted to enjoy a sensual massage but was afraid that he would cum quite early in the session and that he would be both embarrassed and disappointed. He went on to explain that for the past 5 years or so his PE had been getting progressively worse and that even when he visited his GP to discuss his problem he would find himself ejaculating in his pants.

Before promising Rudy a remedy and accepting his appointment, I needed to find out more about his circumstances. I needed to know about his health and his general disposition. So we spoke on the phone and quite quickly it became clear that his age and health were not an issue and that his PE was probably anxiety related. When on his own Rudy said he had no problem masturbating and would cum within a 2-3 minutes of starting. This is the usual time for a man to go from start to finish unless he purposely holds back by alternating speed.  But the moment Rudy was in the presence of someone else (male or female) a spontaneous ejaculation would occur, often within 30 seconds.

Exploration of the past

The first thing for me to do was to get an idea of Rudy’s life, both present and past. What was his work and social life like? Was he from a big or small family? Was he attracted to women or men or both? What culture was he from and how was sex regarded and treated within that culture.

Rudy was in his late 20’s British educated but born in the middle east. The second of 3 children, with an elder bother and younger sister, he worked in IT. He regard himself as straight but was also bi curious. He was circumcised at birth and with an average 5.5 inch healthy cock. He was 5ft 10in (170cm) tall and a bit overweight at 100kg.

So far nothing in what Rudy had said particularly leapt out to me as a possible cause of his anxiety related PE. His relationship with his family seemed good but when I asked him to describe his mother and father as animals evidence began to emerge.

“My mother is like a Dove, she is peaceful, loving and calm” I asked if like a Dove she was easily alarmed and often alert to danger. “Oh yes when i was young she was very caring but also she was a bit nervous, particularly when my father was around”.

“And your father” I asked.

“My father, he is like a Lion”. I asked him to describe the characteristics of a lion in 3 words. “Angry, strong and always in charge”. I asked if these were words that he would also use to describe his father, he said yes. “my father was always right and would rule the family his way. He often lost his temper” I asked if he was scared of his father when he was young. “Yes I was scared a lot of the time, he was always ordering us to do things and if we were not good enough he would shout at us sometimes hit us.

“What did you do when he shouted at you, I asked. ” I went to my room and cried” he said.

“Did you do anything else”?

“Yes I would masturbate to make myself feel better”

Where do we go from here?

Clearly, when Rudy was young his relationship with his mother was one of closeness and love but also one which also caused him anxiety. Although a loving mother having a husband who was verbally aggressive, maybe even physically aggressive, her tendency to become anxious would have been high.

As a child Rudy clearly depended on his mother for love, emotional sustenance and security and would have also have become very alert to her state of mind. If Rudy detected anxiety in his mother his anxiety would make him fearful for his own security, this would create a cognitive survival response of – mother/female anxiety = my fear = my fight/flight response = I cry and masturbate to make me feel calm. 

In the case of his father an even clearer cognitive survival response of – father/male authority figure = disapproval = my fear = fight/flight response = I cry and masturbate to make me feel calm. 

Of course there will be many other factors influencing Rudy’s state of mind but to so clearly link masturbation, ejaculation and the pleasure of orgasm as a remedy for his fear seems a clear factor for his current situation.

One of the more remarkable things about the human brain is its ability to adapt itself to create a behaviour that maintains survival. This is particularly pertinent when we are children when we pretty incapable of looking after ourselves. Our brains quickly adapt a create new neurological pathways to ensure a response that keeps us alive. Once it works the brain repeats that response over and over again until it become second nature eventually becoming ultra sensitive to warning signals and automatically responding with the survival technique often when the threat is only perceived and not actually there.

This is more than likely what is happening to Rudy.

a) Humans are not designed to fight and fuck at the same time!  If we are in danger our autonomic nervous system very quickly responds and switches from the sympathetic mode to the parasympathetic mode (fight and flight to rest, digest and have sex). For the human male this means that an arousal will be curtailed and usually erection will disappear immediately. However in some men a precursor to loss of erection is spontaneous ejaculation and could be seen as natures way of ensuring quick sex and impregnation  as a last chance to secure the genetic lineage before being killed off.

b) Rudy has clearly created a cause and effect reaction to stressful situations. As a child when he was scared of his father, he hid and masturbated. This habit became unconsciously ingrained as a response to anxiety and so now whether having sex with a woman whom he is required to please and make happy ( reflection of keeping his mother calm) or needing approval from a dominant man ( fear of his father disapproval) his mind and body responds with ejaculation as a calming method for himself.

How can a sensual massage help?

The act of massage immediately calms the body. As we are touched oxytocin, the arousing/calming/loving hormone is released. The effect will be an immediate calming of the clients mind and body. He will also know that I as his masseur am on his side so no worries of disapproval, in fact the massage will incorporate lots of caring supportive touch. As the massage progresses and Rudy becomes more calm so I can bring in the arousing elements and by communicating with one another during the massage Rudy and I can attempt to have him last as long as possible, thus giving him practice to take control of his responses and change his habit of ejaculating to soon.

It is quite possible that in the first massage he will still ejaculate early, as this is a process of repetition until his brain re wires itself. In the early stages though I may well suggest he allows himself to ejaculate within the first few minutes so that the pressure and fear is reduced and he can enjoy the erst of the massage and experience the slow arousal as his body recovers from the first ejaculation. This will most likely enable him to experience a second ejaculation towards the latter part of the massage.

Quite simply by having a sensual massage I can create as real scenario for Rudy to experience arousal but at the same time remove as many of the anxiety triggers as i can. Over a period of time, probably a little as 4 appointments, the massage plus the awareness  and understanding of why he experiences PE will go a long way to improving his sex life.

Learn your to give a sensual massage and become a confident long lasting lover

But also learning how to give a sensual massage is a great way for all men to lean to last longer and make the experience more extensive for their partner.  Wether with a women or another man to be able to make your sex last longer so that you partner enjoys themselves to the full and more is a most empowering feeling. This is also what I teach when i work with male clients

More about PE

What causes PE?

The exact cause of premature ejaculation (PE) is unknown but it may be due to a number of different factors, both physical and psychological, that vary from person-to-person.1

Physical causes of PE

Ejaculation is controlled by the central nervous system via neurotransmitters; chemicals that are released by nerve cells in the brain. The neurotransmitter that helps to prevent ejaculation is called serotonin, and it is thought that in some cases, PE may be caused by a disruption in the levels of serotonin or the serotonin signalling in the brain.2,3

Other physical causes of PE can include having an overly sensitive penis or having abnormal reflex activity of the ejaculation system. Other medical conditions, or side-effects experienced with other medications, may also cause PE.3

Psychological causes of PE

The psychological causes of PE can be wide-ranging and vary greatly from person-to-person.1,4,5

Sometimes psychological issues can be a result of PE rather than a cause, as they can come from the emotional reactions and frustration felt after PE has occurred. These feelings can make the condition worse as they can become a weight on a patient’s mind as well as their partners.6

No matter if these issues are the cause of or a result of PE, talking to a doctor can be the first step to breaking this cycle and finding a solution.

There are two different types of PE: lifelong PE (primary) and acquired PE (secondary)

Lifelong PE

About 65% of men who have PE have lifelong PE. As the name suggests, it is a condition that will often start from the first sexual experience, and will continue throughout life.7 It is thought to be caused by both physical and psychological factors and can be genetic.2

Acquired PE

Many men live for years without any ejaculation problems, and then gradually or suddenly, they start to experience PE.7 This is known as acquired PE and can be caused by social, psychological or relationship problems – it even can be a side-effect of some medications.2 Acquired PE can also be related to other conditions such as an overactive thyroid, erectile dysfunction or other prostate related conditions. The treatment of these other conditions can often relieve a man of their PE symptoms.2

Situational PE is a type of acquired PE that occurs with just one partner. It is most probably due to psychological problems related to the situation, the partner or the relationship.

Although genital sensitivity may contribute to the development of premature ejaculation (PE) symptoms, experts now recognise that PE is a multidimensional condition that can involve psychological, physical, hormonal and neurological problems. Furthermore, PE may occur alongside other sexual conditions.1

Oral medications

There is strong medical evidence to support the use of oral medications in treating PE but these are only available on prescription.5 A doctor can provide information and advice on what is available.

Topical numbing creams or sprays

Creams and sprays containing anaesthetic compounds are available, which desensitise the penis and therefore help delay ejaculation.1,5 They have been successful for some men, however using topical anaesthetic for too long can overly numb the area leading to an inability to gain an erection or ejaculate.5 There is also the possibility of transferring the anaesthetic compound to a partner, which may reduce pleasurable sensations for them.

Self-help techniques

A number of do-it-yourself techniques exist that can help men to recognise pre-ejaculatory signs and improve their control over ejaculation, the most common are the ‘stop-start’ and ‘squeeze’ techniques.

Masturbating before sex is one of the behavioural techniques which is often used to help manage premature ejaculation. This technique can be used to increase the amount of time it takes before ejaculation during sex, but this may not be a long term solution. Masturbating immediately before sex desensitises the penis, delaying ejaculation during sex.

A number of men (around 41%) with premature ejaculation (PE) report using alcohol or recreational drugs to address their condition even though treatments are available.1 In the short term these all can delay ejaculation but in the long term they can cause PE. Serious undesirable side-effects associated with drugs must be taken into account. Moreover, psychological problems – developed as a result of dependence on other substances – could join the psychological problems caused by PE. Trying to ‘cure’ PE with drugs and/or alcohol can be very dangerous.

The Cuckold Massage

12Increasingly couples, same sex and opposite sex, are exploring sensual massage. Most are looking to enjoy a massage with their partner and arrange for two masseurs to give them massage simultaneously.

As well as simply enjoying a sensual massage with their partner but under the hands of another person some couples will use use the sensual massage scenario as a chance to explore their sexuality. For example, a man and women who want to experience intimate touch from someone of the same sex but want it to take place in a controlled safe space and with their partner present may select a combination of a male and female masseur. The male masseur will begin on the female and the female masseur on the male but during the massage the masseurs may swop “receivers” several times thus allowing the couple to explore same sex touch and intimacy. Or the gay couple who want to explore touch from a female but again in a place where they can feel they do not need to reciprocate or perform.

Another experience for couples to explore that seems to becoming increasingly popular, particular with the heterosexual couples, is the Cockold Massage.

The Cuckold Massage can be enjoyed by both opposite sex couples or same sex though it appears to be more popular with heterosexual couples, particularly where the man is not even bi or bi curious but heterosexual and finds watching his wife being touched and aroused by another man during a massage, a real turn on.

To be Cuckold historically referred to a husband with an adulterous wife and is still often used with this meaning. In evolutionary biology, the term cuckold is also applied to males who are unwittingly investing parental effort in offspring that are not genetically their own. Since the 1990s, the term has also been widely used to refer to a sexual fetish in which the fetishist is stimulated by their committed partner choosing to have sex with someone else.

Historically, the term was generally considered to be a great insult, and leveling an accusation that a husband had raised another man’s child (thus implying that he had been a cuckold) was deemed a provocation that demanded a fight to the death.

Psychology regards cuckold fetishism as a variant of masochism, the cuckold deriving pleasure from being humiliated. In Freudian analysis, cuckold fetishism is the eroticisation of the fears of infidelity and of failure in the man’s competition for procreation and the affection of females.

Biologist Robin Baker who wrote “Sperm Wars”  speculated that the excitement and stimulation of the cuckolding fetish emerges from the biology of sexuality and the effects of sexual arousal on the brain. According to one of his theories, Baker believes that when a man thinks that his female mate may have been sexual with another man, the man is prompted by biological urges to copulate with the female in an effort to “compete” with the other man’s sperm. 

Another Theory put forward is by Sex Mentor Colin Richards of Massage 33. He says ” Increasingly I am seeing couples for sensual massage where the male partner wants to sit and watch as his girlfriend or wife receives the sensual massage in front of him.” Colin goes on to describe ” As the massage progresses that male partner will often undress and begin to arouse himself and the ore aroused his partner becomes during the massage the more turned on he becomes”. Colin comments that as well as a possible masochistic motivation he believes that the pleasure derived from seeing his partner with another man is also derived from the sharing of someone of his that when given to the other male gives the cuckodled male a sense of approval and acceptance with the other ( possibly more dominant) male.

” A bit like the clever but not naturally sporty kid in the playground who wants to be included in the “Cool Kids” gang but only gets accepted when he has something of value to offer (sweets, toys etc ) so the cuckolded man offers his female parter to the fit, rich or well connected man so that he can by proxy benefit from the relationship between.

Although the cuckold massage seems to be more popular with heterosexual couples Colin says that he is also seeing gay and lesbian couples for appointments, where one watches the other. Cuckolding does not seem to be a solely male/female scenario but am seeing it also in gay relationships where I have given a sensual massage to the younger male, while the older male watches.

Colin says ” the fetish of the Cuckold fascinates and I am very interested to hear from any man or women for the matter who finds themselves getting turned on by the thought of watching their partner being erotically massage without getting involved themselves.

Are you a Cuckold? If so get in touch with Colin at colin@massage33.com

To enjoy your own Cuckold Massage go to Couples Cuckold Massage




What is Sensual Massage?

Sensual Massage or Tantric Massage, whats the difference?

Article by Master Masseur Colin Richards

A sensual massage is a massage given with a humanistic approach to arousal. It works with the body’s natural arousal processes incorporating them into the whole massage experience. It encourages the receiver to express the feelings and to let go of inhibition. A sensual massage should be given with a genuine sense of care and intimacy and involve intentional arousal of the body. It is both a physical and emotional experience and include sensual and sexual exploration and often mutual touch with the masseur. The sensual massage usually includes orgasm.

Although It is also intimate and arousing the true Tantric Massage tends to be more prescriptive. It mostly follows routine based on ancient philosophy and can include certain spiritual ceremony and ritual, such as chanting and deep breathing exercises and also is often given as a spiritual healing. Often the masseurs giving Tantric Massage will remain clothed and not encourage two-way touch but make it more “your” experience. Orgasm is also not necessarily the goal and often the receiver will be encouraged to not orgasm but to withhold the energy.

What is confusing though is that the word “Tantric” is being used nowadays very freely. It has, in some cases, become a pseudonym for the “Rub & Tug” massage; i.e. the lie down, let me rub your body for a few minutes and then give you a hand job, pay now and go experience.

In a genuine tantric massage the ethos is to not take the receiver to full orgasm but to near orgasm. It can also be that the tantric masseur will remain partially or fully clothed and not have the massage become mutually intimate. Whereas in a sensual massage mutual nudity and intimate touch is an important part of the treatment. The sensual masseur is usually naked when giving the massage and will often incorporate lots of body to body contact.

In analogistic terms taking an erotic massage can be seen as similar to seeking somewhere to eat. You can choose to go to Mac Donalds, fill up quickly with a Big Mac, or go to a Themed Nouvelle Cuisine Restaurant where the meal is an art form but usually not particularly fulfilling. Where as a true Sensual Massage should be more like entering a top class Organic Steak Bar where the food is of high quality and plentiful, the service is meaningful, the environment welcoming and the result so good it makes you want to go back for more!

The perfect sensual massage should be founded upon a high-quality therapeutic massage that can be given firmly to work the muscles or gently to promote relaxation or a combination of both. It should be intentionally arousing and include light touch with fingers and nails all over the body including the hands, feet, head as well as the genitals and bum. A good sensual masseur should be able to build the arousal slowly throughout the whole treatment, to seduce the body to help the ‘receivers’ mind to relax and focus solely on the feelings being felt. It should be an experience that is exciting and stimulating where two human beings share a dance of erotic intimacy the extent of which is left to the chemistry and energy of the moment.


Why do we love to be touched?

Without a shadow of doubt receiving intimate sensual touch is one of the most pleasant sensations that a person can experience. The sense of touch is a vital part of the human condition and is arguably one of our earliest forms of communication. It is accepted that both our physiology and neurology are specifically designed to facilitate it and when a person is touched it also has a profound effect on our psychology. A slap given with aggression can hurt and indicate anger causing us to feel fear or anger in return. A firm hand on the shoulder or back will give us a feeling of friendship or support. Intimate, caring touch, particularly when combined with stimulating arousal can create a feeling of trust and closeness, a factor that is essential in the bonding of human relationships and thus the continuation of the species.

In the beginning

From our earliest Homo Sapiens ancestors who lived 250,000 years ago to probably as recent as 5000 years ago, tactile intimate touch between humans would almost certainly have been offered and received unconditionally. It would be given without cultural, religious or social controls and probably not seen solely as sexual communication but also as a system to establish both mixed and same sex cooperation. It would have stimulated group security and collaboration, ensuring in times of danger and stress, the support between one human to another. It would have helped determine hierarchy, established trusting relationships, promote teamwork and loving bonds.

Not much has changed in our biology since those early times and for most of us the desire and pleasure to be touched by another is still very much within us. When we are touched the skin receptors pass the response information through to the central nervous system which in turn influences the autonomic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system connects to the deepest and most ancient part of our brain known as the Stem or Reptilian brain. This ancient part of the brain can be traced back to over 200 million years of mammal evolution. It is concerned with our most basic primary needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating and from these basic urges activate the emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment.

In early man, the distinction of intimate behaviour being appropriate or inappropriate would not have existed, there would have been no social, cultural or religious rules controlling our natural desires and need for intimate touch. Our behaviour would be instinctual, when hungry; we would look for food. When under threat; we fought or ran and when in need of a sense of belonging; we would have sought intimacy from other humans. There is no greater affirmation of an individual’s acceptance than to touch and be touched intimately, to care and be cared for, without condition, expectation or obligation.

Sensual Massage is an ancient natural medicine for today’s stressful times

By providing a person with a non-judgemental, honest, open environment where it is not only “ok” to feel arousal but actually appropriate, makes the sensual massage probably one of the most relaxing fulfilling experiences a person can have. It enables both the body and mind to relax in a way that regular massage does not. By reducing tension and stress or an anxiety of the body reacting the mind remains calm. As the body becomes more sensually aroused the sensory messages transmitting from the skin, and erogenous areas reaffirm the mind that we are safe. Hormones such as oxytocin, progesterone and testosterone are released causing us our muscles to relax, the mind falls into a subconscious state and for a few hours we can literally exist in the “moment” .

Who can benefit from having a sensual massage?

Everyone, but, of course, since we are all individuals each with a unique life experience and lifestyle the benefit can vary from person to person. For many the massage can be a glorious discovery of escapism, for others it can be a place to release the tension of a hectic life, for some it can be about exploration of the self, ones sensuality and sexuality. It can also be very beneficial for those experiencing sexual anxieties and performance problems.

In men particularly, it can simply be about male to male bonding or it can help with overcoming erectile issues, premature ejaculation, sexuality exploration, loss of libido, fear of intimacy. For women, the massage can be about having the opportunity to have their body physically seduced and stimulated without feeling self-conscious or that they may be judged or expected to perform in a particular way sexually. For couples, it is a wonderful way to reignite the sexual relationship by learning now skills to practice on one another. It can be given as a gift by one partner to the other to let them experience another person’s touch without threatening the relationship.

Whoever is receiving the massage it will be an experience that is profound and rrevolutionary We live in a time when there is so much controlled, and much is expected of us. By having a sensual massage we return to our primal instincts and our primal desires.

Sensual massage is ultimately about caring for oneself through another person’s energy and physical skills. Arousal and stimulation is an essential part of the massage but orgasm is optional but can also be an important part of the process since following orgasm the sense of relaxation and wellbeing can be profound.

How can I tell a good sensual massage therapist
The therapist should be professional in style and approach inspiring trust and a sense of integrity in the client. The treatment area should be warm, clean, comfortable and welcoming. The therapist should take time to explain the process of the massage and answer any questions that the client may have.The massage should include both therapeutic massage of the whole body as well as intimate sensual arousing massage of the erogenous and genital areas.The massage should be caring and meaningful with the therapist inspiring a sense of genuine “love” for what they do and to whom they do it too. The therapist should be able to work intuitively understanding the clients specific needs but at the same time making clear their own personal physical boundaries.

Description of a Sensual Massage

Below is a general description of the 90 minute sensual massage that I give. However every massage is different as this will depend wether I am giving to a man or a woman and whether it is being given for relaxation and escapism,sexual and sensational  exploration, performance reasons or same sex exploration.

The 4 Sensual Massage Phases

  • Stage 1: Sensual Therapeutic phase (15 minutes)
  • Stage 2: Gentle Arousal phase (15 minutes)
  • Stage 3: Sensual Arousal phase (30 minutes)
  • Stage 4: Erotic & Orgasmic phase to total relaxation (30 minutes)

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Sensual Therapeutic Phase

The Sensual Therapeutic phase lasts about 20 minutes and is focused on the shoulders and back of the upper body. The aim is to encourage the client into a further relaxed state. With the use of light touch, feathers and soft caring touch combined with more traditional deep tissue muscle work  causes the client to further to “let go”. The combination of soft strokes with stronger deeper massage generates a confidence within the client and a genuine feeling of being cared for. This is followed by gentle teasing of the more intimate areas of the body making  the skins sensory preceptors to send signals to the brain, the brain responds by stimulating the body’s para sympathetic nervous system (relax and rest mode) and the massage progresses in to the Gentle Arousal Phase.


Gentle Arousal phase

By now the client is usually well on the sensual journey, still aware of what is taking place but beginning to “drift away” losing themselves to the sensations of the massage. Further exploration into the intimate crevices of the body namely the neck, armpits, groin and pelvic areas are all stimulated. Arousal begins to increase usually causing erection (men) and lubrication (women) accompanied by deeper breathing and some involuntary movements of the body. The skin becomes more sensitive as body contact between the masseur and client increases. And the brain begins to drifts in and out of awareness.


The Sensual Arousal phase
During this phase direct contact with the genitals takes place, in the male the Penis (now erect), Scrotum and in women the outer lips of the Vagina and areas around the Groin and Anus are lightly touched and massaged. Careful notice is taken not to take the client to orgasm but to hold them at a high level of arousal then falling back to relaxation and back again to high arousal, this is done several times. During this phase in the massage the client is encouraged to be self focussed enjoying the stimulation and to not worry about their “performance” or the “other” however for some physical contact with the masseur preferred and since when an “intimate connection” is made arousal can increase considerably.


Orgasm to Relaxation

The male sexual response cycle consists of excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. The first 3 phases of this massage cover the first two elements of this cycle. During this phase of the massage the body and mind becomes paradoxically, both deeply relaxed and highly aroused, this contradictory state causes the bodies’ nervous system to oscillate between its sympathetic and para sympathetic modes as the mind focuses on the sensations of the final ascent to orgasm. At the pinnacle of orgasm control is given over to the primal response of orgasm and in men ejaculation) the muscles tense, the breathing increases, often the client becomes more verbal emitting pleasurable moans. Orgasms are usually a combination of peripheral (genital or extra-genital) stimulation and a mental “letting go.” Neurologically speaking, it is accepted that the pathways
for ejaculation and orgasm are under a tonic inhibitory influence, and that the release of this inhibition is cerebrally influenced. Without this release, the normal
orgasmic and ejaculatory reflexes cannot be expressed.With the final orgasmic rush comes a massive release of energy, triggering the immediate after effect of relaxation when the male body, immediately following ejaculation, falls back into the deep state of resolution. The body relaxes and encouraged by stroking of the head and scalp the body quickly falls in to “rest, relax and re cooperate mode. With the drifting into a deep state of sub conscious even light sleep.

Winter Blues?

How can Massage help with the blues, winter or otherwise?
Perhaps, on the most simplistic level, doing something nice for yourself and taking a break from the humdrum pattern is going to boost your mood and re-energise you. After all, when you have a sensual massage treatment, you have at your disposal someone who gives you undivided attention and takes a vested interest in your well being.
But there are many physical benefits to sensual massage, that you are probably already aware of. Massage eases aches and pains, stimulates your blood flow, improving circulation to those cold extremities and it gets those joints moving better and flushes your lymphatic system, pushing out the remnants of those cold and flu bacteria of winter!
Maybe you’ve been hunched over your computer in a cold office or slumped on the sofa in front of the fire – muscles get tight and locked and the cold outside makes them tense up even more. As massage releases the tension in these muscles, endorphins are released (to cope with the temporary discomfort) and flush through your body. Your mood shifts. But after the sluggish, dark times of the winter months, perhaps the stimulation that massage brings to the human senses may take the forefront in our shift of mood to a lighter level.

Let’s take a little journey into a possible alternative treatment to Sensual Massage that can be practised at home:
What seems to hit us hard is the cold and darkness of winter, so how about lying on a heated blanket and soft couch and receiving another dose of heat from smooth basalt stones? These stones can be warmed in water and used to massage the body. The heat penetrates deeply into the muscles and has a profoundly relaxing and therapeutic effect.
As the hot stones are slowly and deeply moved over your body, you may be reminded of the heat of the sun on your back and warming your limbs. The near silence of the treatment room is interspersed with the sounds of birds singing outside in the surrounding grounds and the gentle lilt of faraway sounds, … the church clock chimes, a dog barks … is it … is it summer out there? Perhaps your mind drifts to barbecues and sun loungers, laughter and long bright warm evenings.
As the body is massaged, memories are triggered that shift inside our bodies and subconscious, locked into our cellular memory. Some may recall the feeling and sensation, say, of being a child on a warm summer’s day – just as the ankle is massaged – as the memory of falling and their mother rubbing the area better is triggered off. Others may recall sensations that they cannot put a time or place to.
Sometimes we just potter along and we forget how much our bodies do for us. Massage stimulates the physicality of your being and can have a very grounding and enlightening affect. When these basic senses are awakened, we become more in touch with our body – “back inside” it and we can feel more like ourselves again. And it doesn’t all feel so bad. After all, everything has an end and everything has a beginning … and Summer will be here once again next year!