Colin’s philosophy on Male Sexuality
Over the past 10 years working as a professional masseur and sex mentor I have seen men of all ages, sexualities and cultural backgrounds for both sensual massage and sexual performance and given support and advice to many who are exploring their sexuality . In that time I have probably given over 5,000 sensual massages to men and I estimate of this number 65% are men who tell me that they present themselves publicly as heterosexual but privately recognise they have a desire to experience sensual or sexual intimacy with another man.
By talking with these men and hearing their stories, feelings and fears I have now built up a much clearer understanding about male sexuality and what I believe causes men, who start out primarily heterosexual but find as they grow older they develop a desire to have intimate contact with other men.
In brief I believe that the desire for a man to experience male to male sensual intimacy with another man is as much about a need to bond and emotionally connect with one another and not just for sexual exploration and pleasure. I have see patterns of behaviour and have heard many similar personal stories that indicate to me that there are five primary influences that go to make up an individual’s mans sexuality.
To substantiate my theory of these five influences, in November 2014 I began a sexuality survey on this web site. Targeting men only the questions I have asked in are designed to explore if I am right about these five influences. Below is my explanation of each influence and the survey results to date. So far 335 men have taken the survey but to get a firm understand I would like to take that number to 1000. The survey is on going so if you have not taken it yet, you are welcome to do so.
Total survey forms completed by 335 men
When asked to state their publicly presented sexuality (what they tell family & friends)
Total Surveyed 335
60% Straight – 204
35% Gay – 117
3% Bi Sexual – 11
1% Bi Curious – 3
When asked to state their privately acknowledged sexuality (what they actually feel about themselves)
Total surveyed 335
13% Straight – 44
49% Gay – 167
20% Bisexual – 68
16% Bi Curious – 56
Breakdown of change of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight compared to their actual privately acknowledged sexuality
Remained Straight – 40
Straight to Gay – 57
Straight to Bi Sexual – 67
Straight to Bi Curious – 56
Withholding true sexuality
This statistic shows that of 204 men surveyed who identify publicly as Straight 180 (88%) were witholding their true sexualaity.
Men in female relationships
Of 112 men who declared that they had been or currently were married or partnered or seeing women sexually as single men, 82 (73%) are withholding their true sexuality from their female partners.
Male to Male Sensual Touch
Of the 44 men who defined themselves as Straight both publicly and privately 26 say that they have received a sensual touch from another man at least once and have enjoyed it and would do it again.
(colin’s comment – this indicates that a man can regard himself as totally straight but still have an attraction to share intimate arousal with another man without it challenging his identity. If these men were added to the above statistics for Bi Curious ie taking the statistic from 56 to 80 and then reducing the Straight statistic by 24 to 16, the result shows that of the 204 men who publicly presented as Straight only 7% are truly not interested in any sensual interaction with other men. Furthermore there are a further 6 men, who have declared their total straightness, who have indicated that although they have never experienced sensual touch with another man they are interested to try it sometimes in the future)
Of 335 men surveyed about their desires for sensual touch with another man
27% Enjoy it occasionally – 89
62% Enjoy it often -211
8% Want to try it – 26
3% Do not want to try it at all – 9
Aspects of male to male sexual behavior
The survey also asked questions about what the men felt was important to them when having a sensual or sexual interaction with another man.
63% Very Important – 214
23% Important – 79
6 % Moderately Important – 20
1% Little Importance – 5
6% Unimportant – 17
Interestingly of the 22 who answered Unimportant or Little Importance 15 were the men who defined as Straight both publicly and privately.
Importance of Anal Sex
The Five Influences
Influence 1- Pre Birth
Foetal brain development during pregnancy and the effect of a stressed/non stressed pregnancy on the long term characteristics of the male.
This aspect is less about sexual attraction but more about character attributes influenced by being born from a stressed or unstressed pregnancy and how those men born from unstressed pregnancy tend to be men who develop either bisexual or homosexual attractions later in life.
Men from stressed pregnancies
A recent study at Imperial College London shows that stress experienced by a woman during pregnancy may affect her unborn baby as early as 17 weeks after conception, with potentially permanent effects on brain and development. My belief is that the more stressed the pregnancy the more likely the child will be born with natural self survival instincts. Competitive, self centered, a lack of empathy with others, a tendency to be aggressive/defensive, non intime, controlling personality, strongly heterosexual. These are all attributes that would be very beneficial in the survival of early humans particularly in life threatening times. If food was scarce and the pregnant mother was living in a dangerous environment in makes complete sense that the baby she is carrying should be programmed prior to birth with tendency towards having these innate survival characteristics. I call call them the Self Interested Male (SIM)
The inseminator Male will be competitive; to fight for its own survival and food. Self Centered/introvert; to be primarily focussed on its own needs. Have a cack of empathy to others; to not be reliant on others to support it. Tendency towards aggressive or defensive behavior; to be hyper aware and vigilant against threats and able to respond quickly and confidently. Non intimate; not interested in developing close relationships as continually seeking new sexual partners to ensure genetic line/species is maintained. More than likely have a controlling personality; by controlling its environment he maintains his own security and safety. Predominantly heterosexual; mostly focussed wanting lots of sex with female partners to procreate and secure his genetic line and to ensure the survival of a possibly threatened species.
Clearly the more stressed the pregnancy the stronger these characteristics appear to be and it seems that in modern times these types of men will have tendency to follow specific careers as Barristers, Salespeople, Competitive Sportsmen, Politicians, the Military, Surgeons, Bankers, Entrepreneurs, Celebrity types. Not coincidently these are generally the types of men that we hear use sex workers for non intimate encounters and wives who complain that their husbands are egotistical, unfaithful and when it come to sexual performance, assertive but generally non intimate.
Men from less stressed pregnancy
A child born from a pregnancy that is less stressed appears to develop characteristics of a completely different nature. These characteristics seem designed to be inclusive of others rather than exclusive. Empathetic, creative, other people focussed/extrovert, polysocial, need of physical intimacy, bisexual /polysexual. Attributes that are clearly designed to bond with others and help build relationships. I call call these types Social Open Male (SOM)
In early man when food was plenty and life was secure then that was the time for building and expanding the community so less focus on the species survival but more on species growth. This meant the males needed to be creative with food collection, supportive of the group they belonged to, team work with other males to support the group, good organisers, a caring nature.
Careers these types of men tend to follow today are as Accountants, Solicitors, Small Business Owners, Hospitality, Therapists, Teachers, Nurses, Theatre Actors, Academics, Consultants, IT Developers, Designers, personality types that have skills that are about developing and supporting the broader community The Social Males primary role in pre historic times would have been to develop the community by being creative and relationship building with both females and other males and in times before humans had speech much of the relationship building would have been through touch and to build a close trusting relationship with another male in order to hunt or create together, the males would have a predisposition to show physical intimacy to one another and the more intimate the touch, the more vulnerable the place touched the more trusting the relationship would be.
Of course male biology is not polarized and all males will have their own unique biology at birth, according to the foetal development in relations to the mother’s disposition and biological chemistry during pregnancy, meaning that these innate characteristics should be seen as being on a spectrum placing every male anywhere from being a total SIM to a SOM or somewhere in between as most of us are.
Influence 2 – Circumstances of Birth 0-10 yrs
We don’t get a choice about where on the planet we are born, who are biological parents are what culture and environment we start our life in or belief system we are educated by. From the moment we are born, maybe even before, we are bombarded by messages that inform us how we should behave and interact so that we are accepted by the community we are born into and that for the first 10 years at least we depend upon to survive.
No matter if a male child is born with strong characteristics of the SIM OR SOM the moment the child is born his senses will go into overdrive to work out how best to behave in order to maintain the two most vital ingredients to survive, security and food. If the child is born more a SOM but grows up in a ultra conservative closed minded society of strict morality around sex and has clearly defined gender type roles of how a male should behave then his SOM characteristics will become suppressed. For example a male child who by the age of 6 is showing a natural talent for dance, theatre or art may be forced to deny theses talents because the culture he is born into dictates that he should play football, climb trees, learn to fight. Equally a SIM might be born into a very liberal society and find that his flamboyant artistic hippy parents live by a code that does not fit with his competitive less empathetic character.
Think of the fictional characters of Batman and Robin. Batman or Bruce Wayne was born an only child in a crime ridden city of Gotham (probably stressed pregnancy) to Philanthropist parents Dr Thomas and Martha Wayne, who when he was 8 years old were murdered in the back streets og Gotham City to make young Bruce an orphan and the ultimate SIM (think image, attitude, ego etc) where as Robin is more than likely a strong SOM (colorful, eager to please, sensitive, and always in the supporting role) Maybe if the story was different Brue may have become a city tycoon and Robin a fashion designer!
Where this effects sexuality is that by adolescence when he is become aware of his sexuality if he is feeling any draw to same sex intimacy or exploration this will be firmly suppressed so that he does not risk being rejected by his family and community. Hence in the survey we see many men who have lived a heretosexual live for many years but who say that attraction to other males started before the age of 18. 67% of men surveyed (225/335) said that their attraction to other men started before the age of 18. Of that 82% (185/225) are men who at the time of the survey were still publicly defining themselves as straight.
Influence 3 – Parental Relationships 0 -16 yrs
Running alongside and often in conflict the with the second influence the third influence is about our relationships with our mother and father or primary carers when young
Article still under construction